just some thoughts.

I will probably jinx myself with this next statement. But...Things are going really amazing right now. I really am the happiest I have ever been. Nothing seems impossible anymore and I don't think about death anymore. I know its probably just temporary because I never go very long without thinking about killing myself. It is something that haunts me to no end. Right now I know its J who is keeping me from thinking the way I usually do. But that is a great thing. He is so good for me and I just can't seem to find anything wrong with him. Everytime we hang out it is an adventure and I just love it. Last night he couldn't sleep and painted me an amazing picture of my name with a rose and veins. It is absolutely beautiful and I have never dated a guy who was so sweet and did such awesome things for me. I am sure I will get the actual copy of the picture tomorrow when I go to his house, but until then I have a picture of it and that enough for me. I just love waking up to things like that from him.

I spent the night with him last week and it was amazing. The way he holds me just makes me feel like there isn't a single place I would rather be than with him. He held me so much to the point that he even had a leg around me. And he held me the whole night while we slept. No one has ever done that before. We'll be in the store or somewhere in public and he will just randomly kiss me. We'd be driving down the road and he would lean over and kiss me or put his hand on my leg. things like that and its just really nice. We would sit on his couch and I would put my arm on his leg and he would either hold my hand or my arm. I just love that he likes to cuddle and be like that just as much as I do.

I'm falling for him a lot more than I planned to. And I am really trying hard not to fall for him so fast, but its not working. He embraces life and is teaching me how to do the same. I don't value life like he does. Mainly because I never went through such a tough experience as he did when he had his accident at work and got burned on 95% of his body (80% was 3rd degree burns and he only had a 5% chance of living). So naturally he is lucky to be alive and he learned to value life a lot more than I will probably ever have the ability to do. But I'm trying to and that is more than I have ever done.

Most of the time I'd rather just be dead than have to deal with life, but with J it is so different. I am so happy and I'm perfectly okay with being alive. I just need to learn to be able to value life even if J is not in my life.