lets just have the whole alphabet.

Things are strange right now. I'm going through something and I don't know what it is really. I have not heard from E since before he went into the hospital. Only heard from someone in his family telling me he was in the hospital and would be out the following week. Haven't heard a thing since. I want to give up as I know he will pop back up at some point. But in all honesty, I'm holding onto the hope that things happen with him. He's what I want and what I have wanted for a really long time. Just he's been like this all the time because he's afraid of telling me how he feels....ugh...I know how he feels now, I am not stupid. I get he's scared, but just say it cuz he knows its mutual. But either way I'll wait for him and one day he will come around, but until them i'm just having fun waiting.

I talk to a couple different guys and we talk about meeting and such, but I just can't bring myself to do it. I am too afraid of the rejection. Afraid of things S said all that time being true. Afraid of being judged. There is this one guy I talk to, J, he is nice and super sweet and I want to meet him and see what happens. But I'm so afraid of bothering. He's older than I am. By a bit more than it should be, but I have always dated or had relationships with older guys (aside from S) just not this old. I'm 27 and he is 44. He seems pretty normal. But when I think that it always ends up being wrong. I haven't gotten any red flags or anything like that yet. Nothin seems fishy to me like with F.

Ohh and lets talk about M. He is my fb bf. lmao. I don't know what its all about but for some reason its this weird thing i'm going through with the excitement of this guy from the Netherlands being my facebook bf. He posts cute little romantic songs to me on my profile. and he messages me all these nice things all the time. We talk for hours at times. He is so sweet and really is into me. He's great. But he lives in the Netherlands so I can't even fall for him. He would be perfect. We are like the same person. We like all the same things and we just have so much in common. I wish that I could fall for him because I think it would be amazing. But I can't. He's on other side of the world. He wants to come all the way over here to see me, but I know my mother would have a fit. Probably because she would know that if he came here to see me for a bit that I would fall for him and we would want to be together. and she would never let me move away. and I don't think I could just up and move to another country. And him moving here wouldn't work because he has a son and I don't him to not be able to see his son. Anyways. he's just fun and makes me feel good. So until I find someone he will be my fbbf

whats the point.....

Yesterday I received an email from S's 17 year old girlfriend. She wanted to know what happened with him and I. I told her. I feel sick. I am disgusted and I want to hurt myself.

I cannot believe I fell stupidly for a pedophile. That is so disgusting. She told me that he told her he wishes she were 15 and they already had kids together. Its soooo gross. I am sick to my stomach over it. I hate myself. I am angry at my sister for not pressing charges and putting him in jail.

This poor girl is his prey. I feel bad for her. He is preying on a girl 10 years younger than him. That is so disgusting. I want to vomit to the thought that I loved that disgusting excuse for a man. I want to hurt myself for being so stupid. I hate myself.

I'm over this trying to be happy and hope that it sticks. I'm over this trying to change things in my life to be happy. I give up. I am so disgusted with myself I just want to die. Die Die Die Die Die Die Die....whats the point.....

insert good title here.

He said he's going to try to come see me soon. We'll see if that actually happens. I know that I didn't txt him or anything for a couple days and he text me last night and asked if I'm okay. So we talked for a few then he had to get to bed cuz he had to work in the morning. Haven't heard from him yet tonight but I'm not going to push. i'm going to let him completely come to me. Because thats what needs to happen in this. I am not going to get my hopes up or even want it, i'm just going to go with the flow and take it as it comes to me.