the big day

It's been 2 weeks since I've seen Jeff. Finally today I get to see him again. I miss him like crazy. And I know he misses me too. Due to the accident he had and having to still fight with workmen's comp to get his settlement, he is losing his house. He will be renting a room upstairs of his parents house, because they do not use their upstairs. I'm nervous about it because like his mom is cool with me staying there with him when we see eachother, but getting his dad to be okay with it is another story. His dad is old fashioned and a bit grumpy about the idea. However, I have only met his parents one time (our second date) and so he doesn't really know me. So I understand his side. However, that means that I need to get his dad to like me so he will be okay with me being around and staying there when jeff and I see eachother.

I'm so freaking excited to see him today. I really can't wait to get in his car after my appt and just kiss him and be like i missed you sooooo much and i'm sooooo happy to be here right now. But i'll play my cool like i always do. obviously he will know how happy i am to be with him, but I won't get all crazy psycho gf on him or something.

Jeff and I are still just dating. Its been almost 3 months now since the first day we talked. Things are great, they reallly are. This is the first time I've ever really dated someone and wasn't serious so fast. I like it. I like that I don't know where things will go, and I like that we are playing things cool and not rushing anything. He's so awesome and I still have all the crazy butterflies and stuff that I have had since day one. I love the feelings I get with him, and i love that there is no full on commitment yet. We aren't seeing anyone but eachother but if it were to happen we made a promise to tell eachother. We made a promise to always be friends if we don't work out. But I really think we will end up working out. I think we will be okay. I do hope we will work out and things will be totally amazing, but I don't know what will happen but I will be okay with whatever happens as long as he is still in my life. He means a lot to me

i think i love him.

This week will be my 5th date with J. I haven't a clue how to define the relationship, but in all honesty I'm not sure that I want to know. I really like how things are, and I really like hanging out with him. I'm worried that if I try to define what is that I'll just screw things up. We have a lot of fun together and being with him is amazing.

It might be TMI but the way he touches me and kisses me brings feelings i have never felt before. I get weak in the knees and butterflies like never before. my whole body just gets all tingly and its like i melt every time. Not to mention how amazing the sex is!! Sex really isn't a big deal to us and we spend more time hanging out talking and laughing than we do having sex, but when we actually do it its so completely amazing. I don't think sex would ever be the same with anyone else.

The nice thing though is that its not all about the sex. He is definitely more interested in just spending time with me which is really nice because most guys are just all about the sex. We spend more time cuddling and goofing off and just having fun.

He's so perfect for me and I'm falling for him hard.

just some thoughts.

I will probably jinx myself with this next statement. But...Things are going really amazing right now. I really am the happiest I have ever been. Nothing seems impossible anymore and I don't think about death anymore. I know its probably just temporary because I never go very long without thinking about killing myself. It is something that haunts me to no end. Right now I know its J who is keeping me from thinking the way I usually do. But that is a great thing. He is so good for me and I just can't seem to find anything wrong with him. Everytime we hang out it is an adventure and I just love it. Last night he couldn't sleep and painted me an amazing picture of my name with a rose and veins. It is absolutely beautiful and I have never dated a guy who was so sweet and did such awesome things for me. I am sure I will get the actual copy of the picture tomorrow when I go to his house, but until then I have a picture of it and that enough for me. I just love waking up to things like that from him.

I spent the night with him last week and it was amazing. The way he holds me just makes me feel like there isn't a single place I would rather be than with him. He held me so much to the point that he even had a leg around me. And he held me the whole night while we slept. No one has ever done that before. We'll be in the store or somewhere in public and he will just randomly kiss me. We'd be driving down the road and he would lean over and kiss me or put his hand on my leg. things like that and its just really nice. We would sit on his couch and I would put my arm on his leg and he would either hold my hand or my arm. I just love that he likes to cuddle and be like that just as much as I do.

I'm falling for him a lot more than I planned to. And I am really trying hard not to fall for him so fast, but its not working. He embraces life and is teaching me how to do the same. I don't value life like he does. Mainly because I never went through such a tough experience as he did when he had his accident at work and got burned on 95% of his body (80% was 3rd degree burns and he only had a 5% chance of living). So naturally he is lucky to be alive and he learned to value life a lot more than I will probably ever have the ability to do. But I'm trying to and that is more than I have ever done.

Most of the time I'd rather just be dead than have to deal with life, but with J it is so different. I am so happy and I'm perfectly okay with being alive. I just need to learn to be able to value life even if J is not in my life.

In awe...

I had my second date with J. It was wonderful. I actually had a wonderful time. He took me for dinner when we met up. Then we went to his place and took a little cat nap. His bird called me a nasty name because she did not like that I was there wit him. We cuddled a lot and talked a lot and just had fun being together. We ever played board games for the fun of it. We took a nice ride in the country and we picked apples off a tree on the side of the road to eat. I havent done that since I was a kid. We went to his favorite swimming hole that is under a bridge. I had an encounter with a snake and didn't even freak out. He took me to meet his parents and made me breakfast. We did have one encounter of "fun" and it was magical. But the thing about this (not sure what to label it as yet) is not about sex by any means. yeah we did it, but it wasn't all about that. We spent more time cuddling and just enjoying being together than anything else. Sharing stories and thoughts and just things about life. And even though it was late when we got back he still stood outside with me and talked and hugged me and kissed me and kept telling me how much he didn't want to leave and just wanted to take me back home with him. He did not get home until 3am. I felt really bad, but I know that it was so late because he didn't want me to go any more than I did. I'm starting to fall for him really bad, but I am still keeping my feet on the ground. I'm not expecting too much, or anything at all. Just honesty. I'm not being all stupid and saying stupid shit to mess this up. I want this one to happen legitly. So I am allowing him to set the pace and I'm just going with it as I feel I am ready for it.

There is definitely something between and 2 of us. I just haven't figured it out yet.

J

I guess in a way I need to sort some thoughts out. When I left R I felt confident and pretty good about myself. I was strong and I was ready for a new life. S came along and what I thought I was getting wasn't what I got. I was torn down to nothing. I was left with nothing but a black soul and a shattered heart. Its taken a lot time to pick up the pieces. Putting them back together is never easy, but right now I actually feel like i'm whole again. I think in a way F kind of helped me get myself together. He did some shitty stuff to me, but I made it through just fine. Now J comes along. J to me is like no man I have ever actually known. He's a gentleman, he even gets out of the car and comes around to open the door for me. No one does that anymore, but he does. He tells me everyday how pretty and how beautiful I am. He even went to the extent of typing U R BEAUTIFUL one letter in each text to me before I went to sleep last night. He randomly tells me things like he wants a hug or he wants to hold me or play with my hair. He helps me think positive and helps me change all the negativity around me to positive thoughts in my head. When I'm with him the rest of the world doesn't exist because I am in complete bliss. I don't know what is going to happen, and I don't know what this is. But there is something there with J. We have something, I'm just not sure what it is yet. It is different than I have ever experienced. Whatever it is that we have I really like. And no matter the outcome I will be happy as long as he is in my life. There are sparks between us and he's even said so himself. Something is there, we are just taking it day by day and letting things happen however they happen. But what is most important is that he is here for me and encouraging me to achieve my goals and to do the things I want to do. Its like he thinks I have it all figured out. He likes that I have a plan and that I have goals and he likes that I work so hard on my goals. He likes that I am taking control of my life and doing what is right for me. There is just something about him that feels so right. Something about him that makes me feel like everything is going to be okay. I hope that one day we get to figure out what it is that we have and follow through accordingly. Taking it slow as we can is the best option. And I know in some ways things are moving fast, but in others ways it is still moving slow. I guess we are just feeling out our own pace of what happens in this chapter. This is only chapter 1 of the new start I am making. I have finally learned to just write it as I go. Let things just happen as they are meant to happen. What more can I do really....

changing up the alphabet.

There is something about you that makes me wonder what it would be like... But I don't think that I'm the person for you. I'm not good enough for you. See how it goes? It's too risky. Too easy for me to fall, and crash. I'm not at that point in my life where I should be that you would be able to handle me. I'm not independent enough. I don't have everything in me that you need in a partner. I know you accept me for me on the inside and you know what I'm like on the inside, maybe even a little bit more than I thought you did. But I don't think you will be able to accept that outer layer. What I look like on the outside is what causes the problems all the time.

Could the lifestyle change be who I really am? Sometimes I wonder if maybe I that is what is wrong with me. No....not wrong with me in a bad way. But maybe that is what I am missing. Could I have been in denial all this time? I don't know. Since the end of S, I started to question myself. So far R, S, S, F, E, etc all a bust.... E and S always pop back up because S did recently telling me he leaving his girl and blah blah blah. But he will never want to be with me, he can't commit to anyone ever. It never lasts. So no matter what he will only ever be my friend. E will pop back up at some point and keep confusing me as he has since I was a teenager.

J will probably never actually be with me until I'm thin enough. We have a connection and I think we both know and feel it. But as much as he tells me he wants me to be happy and feel good about myself I know that he wants me to be thinner before he would make any commitment. I have to fight for him. By losing weight.

Why can't anyone ever love me for me? Sure he gives me the motivation to do this and I've been exercising and being more active than I was before him and I met. But I'm scared that if I don't do this he will walk away. I'm already fearing that he will leave me. He keeps me positive most of the time and I'm happy, I smile more than ever. But I'm going to end up wanting more than he does before he does. I already do. This is hard, I'm falling for him but I'm not sure its the right move.

ugh.....I think I am permanently confused.

it was like.....

....nothing i have ever experienced in my life. Watching him standing there looking back at me with a smile while he's jamming on the guitar. the hottest thing I have ever seen. Someone gazing in my eyes looking at me and zoning out admiring my beauty. He did. He would just go into a daze and then say you know you really are so pretty. I did not open a single door. He opened the door for me, even the car door. We could have deep conversation, sometimes about the dumbest things but I was just glued to hearing every word. We have so much in common and have a lot of views on so many things. He cares to hear what I have to say. He is funny and has a great sense of humor. We laughed a lot. He the most adorable dogs and the funniest bird. She jams out to music all day and dances. She says so much stuff but I can't understand her that well because she talks to fast for me. His puppy Gizmo is the cutest ever. she kept climbing up on my shoulders and playin with me and snuggling with me. she was awesome. I behaved myself, but I did go to his house and we watched movies and cuddled. He kept running his fingers through my hair and touching my face and I must say no man has ever touched me like he did. And it was a non sexual way.

I really am so happy right now that I met J and I think it may end up more than friends. I don't know, but whatever it is or will be I'm happy with it. I am just in awe right now. Not sure I can even sleep though i'm exhausted and ready for bed.

what to do

I've been talking to J a lot lately. We are talking about meeting on Tuesday. I'm trying not to over think it. He's said some things that I am unsure of. He said "you are so freakin pretty I could tell you I love you but I better not" I said to wait until he knows me and meets me first. He deleted his profile on the dating site.

I don't know what to think anymore. At this point every time I go to say something to him about meeting I decide not to say anything at all. I think he is too into me and I'm worried he may be a bit of a weirdo or something. I don't know, I'm going to think more about it. Its only going on 11pm and i guess i'm going to bed because I am so freaking bored. I can't take it. I don't know what to do with myself.

lost

There is something about J that I really like so far. He knows what I look like (full body) and he just told me today "you are so freaking pretty I want to tell you I love you but I better not" I told him that it was much too soon and would mean more if he said it not through text. He knows what my goals are as far as getting surgery and he told me that he wants to be there for me and help me succeed in my goal. He wants to help me reach my goals. I have never known a guy who wanted to be so supportive in what I want in life. It means a lot.

He is super sweet and says all the right things. Which doesn't really mean anything because many guys do and turn into assholes later on. He just actually seems real to me. I haven't come across any red flags yet which is good. But who knows. We are talking about meeting and I really want to. I want to meet and see how things go. Take things slow and not screw up like I did last time. He's a bit older than what I'm used to, but who knows it could be what I need. Someone who may actually be a mature guy. That would be nice. I'm sure i'm just dreaming though.

On another note....I had a dream I was going on a date with L. That was weird, but could be because I talked to him a few times. His niece passed away after fighting for her life for 9 days. He told me about it and we talked for a little bit, but that was it. Its not like there is anything going on there but I think feelings are still there. It's hard talking to him and not having the feelings.


I'm just so lost these days. I want too much that I can't have. So maybe checking out what I can have and see how it goes. J is cute and funny and sweet and I do like him. I don't know that I feel more than like for him, but I'm willing to find out.

lets just have the whole alphabet.

Things are strange right now. I'm going through something and I don't know what it is really. I have not heard from E since before he went into the hospital. Only heard from someone in his family telling me he was in the hospital and would be out the following week. Haven't heard a thing since. I want to give up as I know he will pop back up at some point. But in all honesty, I'm holding onto the hope that things happen with him. He's what I want and what I have wanted for a really long time. Just he's been like this all the time because he's afraid of telling me how he feels....ugh...I know how he feels now, I am not stupid. I get he's scared, but just say it cuz he knows its mutual. But either way I'll wait for him and one day he will come around, but until them i'm just having fun waiting.

I talk to a couple different guys and we talk about meeting and such, but I just can't bring myself to do it. I am too afraid of the rejection. Afraid of things S said all that time being true. Afraid of being judged. There is this one guy I talk to, J, he is nice and super sweet and I want to meet him and see what happens. But I'm so afraid of bothering. He's older than I am. By a bit more than it should be, but I have always dated or had relationships with older guys (aside from S) just not this old. I'm 27 and he is 44. He seems pretty normal. But when I think that it always ends up being wrong. I haven't gotten any red flags or anything like that yet. Nothin seems fishy to me like with F.

Ohh and lets talk about M. He is my fb bf. lmao. I don't know what its all about but for some reason its this weird thing i'm going through with the excitement of this guy from the Netherlands being my facebook bf. He posts cute little romantic songs to me on my profile. and he messages me all these nice things all the time. We talk for hours at times. He is so sweet and really is into me. He's great. But he lives in the Netherlands so I can't even fall for him. He would be perfect. We are like the same person. We like all the same things and we just have so much in common. I wish that I could fall for him because I think it would be amazing. But I can't. He's on other side of the world. He wants to come all the way over here to see me, but I know my mother would have a fit. Probably because she would know that if he came here to see me for a bit that I would fall for him and we would want to be together. and she would never let me move away. and I don't think I could just up and move to another country. And him moving here wouldn't work because he has a son and I don't him to not be able to see his son. Anyways. he's just fun and makes me feel good. So until I find someone he will be my fbbf

whats the point.....

Yesterday I received an email from S's 17 year old girlfriend. She wanted to know what happened with him and I. I told her. I feel sick. I am disgusted and I want to hurt myself.

I cannot believe I fell stupidly for a pedophile. That is so disgusting. She told me that he told her he wishes she were 15 and they already had kids together. Its soooo gross. I am sick to my stomach over it. I hate myself. I am angry at my sister for not pressing charges and putting him in jail.

This poor girl is his prey. I feel bad for her. He is preying on a girl 10 years younger than him. That is so disgusting. I want to vomit to the thought that I loved that disgusting excuse for a man. I want to hurt myself for being so stupid. I hate myself.

I'm over this trying to be happy and hope that it sticks. I'm over this trying to change things in my life to be happy. I give up. I am so disgusted with myself I just want to die. Die Die Die Die Die Die Die....whats the point.....

insert good title here.

He said he's going to try to come see me soon. We'll see if that actually happens. I know that I didn't txt him or anything for a couple days and he text me last night and asked if I'm okay. So we talked for a few then he had to get to bed cuz he had to work in the morning. Haven't heard from him yet tonight but I'm not going to push. i'm going to let him completely come to me. Because thats what needs to happen in this. I am not going to get my hopes up or even want it, i'm just going to go with the flow and take it as it comes to me.

Ugh...

I have to really push myself hard not to tell E how I feel. He shy's away really easy. So I need to just keep my damn mouth shut and not say anything. I have to wait for him to come to me. I've never dealt with a guy being like this before. I don't know how to take it. He likes me but he's too afraid to tell me. He can tell me that he thinks about me all the time, but he can't say "I like you" I just don't understand it. I offered the chance to get together when I go to Erie the next time, and he can't seem to even reply a yes or no. i said if its too soon just say so. How hard is it to just say something. I hate that everything is a learning experience for me. I have to learn so much constantly, can't something just come easy......

E... ♥

He has thought about me from day one. that was like 10 years ago. I have thought about him almost always. Its one of those he's a great friend but i never in million years thought he would have felt for me what i always did for him. I would often put it aside as I felt he would never want someone like me

He said he wishes he had the guts to tell me why its so hard for him to tell me how he feels about me. and wishes he could have the guts to really tell me. but he said he has to build the guts to do it and will call me and tell me. I'm super stoked!!!! I want this. but I'm scared of the same thing he is. He is afraid that once I see him in person won't feel the same, but i believe i will still feel the same. I've known him for a long time. there are no red flags ever. he's amazing. he really is. hes real.

I'm trying not to get my hopes up, but this is something I've wanted since I was like 16 or 17 ish. I'm not entirely sure when we first started talking but its been a long ass time. Its like one of those maybe a little bit of a fairy tail lame-O tv shows or movies where that thing happens just in a more modern way i reckon. anyways. i'm out.

this could be it.

I really like E. We are a lot alike, but in a good way, not a clashing way. He's so sincere and understanding and caring. He always speaks the truth and he's real. He always has been, from day one. He told me he has thought good of me and cared for me since day one.

Me= i care for you too, more than you know.
E= I think I want to say the same.
Me= then say it.
E= i want to
Me= but...
E= I'm scared.

He is scared of a lot of things just like I am. mostly of being hurt again. He told me he has chickened out telling me many times. I have chickened out telling him many times too. One day i was typing a message telling him that I like him and in the middle of typing it he text me to tell me something. it was crazy as hell. we thought of and text each other at the same time. I just really really like him. I always have, he's always been an amazing friend and someone I could really see myself with and have an actual healthy relationship with. And he doesn't have any kids with anyone else, so no baby mama drama.

♥ ♥

I like him a lot, I really do. I have for many years. E....we will just call him E. He lives a few hours away, but we've been friends since I was like 16ish. He has always been just as real as the first time we started talking. We text pretty much every day now, when he's able to text me he does. I sometimes wake up to goodmorning texts from him. And it honestly makes my day. He's a lot like me. We have a lot of the same views, but we are both scared to death of making that step. We are both afraid of getting hurt. He told me last night he wants to tell me he likes me he wants to open up and tell me how he feels but he is scared. So I just told him no pressure and to tell me when he is ready. I'm not going anywhere. We've been friends for this long, that won't change.

He was telling me about how he goes with his family every year to Maine to stay on the ocean and such for a week. They will be going again in May of 2012, and told me I could go if I wanted to. If things progress with him and I then I probably will. It would be fun.

So change of topic. I started my list of affirmations, but I also started a list of reasons why I want to lose weight. I am going to read it everyday so I can train my mind to be more motivated.

Nothing else exciting going on.

confused.

Had my meds changed, well one of them. I'm doing better than I was. I'm not so ready to give up on everything anymore. But I am really sick of being alone. I wish I could just find someone decent; someone who is right for me. It's these kind of days that make me miss him the most. The days where I wish things would have been different.

It's also the thoughts that scare me. I'm afraid I'll never feel for anyone else like I did him. I'm afraid I'll never have a connection with anyone like I did him. I didn't have any connection at all with F. It was like I was using him for sex. I was hurt when I found out he had a gf, but it was kind of a relief. I didn't want to be stuck with him. I feel like I will feel that way with every guy now.

Sometimes I'm perfectly okay with just staying single for the rest of my life. Sometimes its like I wouldn't change it, but then I have these lonely days. Where I want someone there. Maybe I just need someone not serious, but someone I can just be with when I feel this way. I don't know I'm so completely confused. I can't figure myself out right now.

tie a rope around it....let it hanggg....

Things really haven't been that great here. Not exactly sure what I wrote about last but I'll start with that date....

It went great till I found out he had a gf. In turn I did what I thought was right and told her what happened. I felt she deserved the right to know what her so called bf was really doing the night before he went to see her.

I did not get to my appointment to see the surgeon for the first for this process to get this surgery. I had to reschedule it. So now I can't see him until September. I am very close to giving up on the whole idea. I don't think its meant to happen.

According to the eval I'm too depressed and talk too poorly of myself to get the surgery. In all honesty if I take the test again I'll pass because I know where I need to tweak it for the results to come out right. However, since I am a psych major I don't believe in lying on the eval. I feel that I need to be honest and do it right because that is what I would expect from patients if I were to give those tests.

The honest truth though. I really am too depressed...I already knew that. i put on a front and act like I'm okay when I'm really not. Inside I'm a complete disaster. Inside its like a shit load of tornadoes hit. I don't believe I will ever be okay. I don't believe I'll ever get better, or that i'll ever not be too depressed. I know that my depression does not define me, just like my weight does not define me. They are only a part of me, but they are not who I am. However, I don't know how to shake the depressed hopeless feeling. I don't know how to be okay. I have been so depressed for so long that I don't know how to be anything else.

I'm scared. Scared that my life will be nothing but what it is now. The hope and desire to be who I want to be, but too damn depressed to get there. No matter what I do, I cant get ahead. I take one step forward and then something or someone comes along and kicks me 10 steps back. I will forever be trying to crawl my way back to the start line. I fear I will die being the person I am now. I really think that one day I will finally give up. One day I will snap and do something stupid. It scares me to death. I am so afraid of dying because I want it so bad. I wish I had the strength to just give up.

made up my mind.

Okay so Ive got another date with F on Friday. I'm really excited about it, but nervous at the same time.

free

Okay so I have been thinking about that date. And part of me kinda wants to try the date over again. It didn't exactly go the best, but I feel kind of like the ex got too much into my head and impaired my judgement.

the best part of the whole date was when he was walking down to the porch and I opened the door and when he saw me he dropped his phone. I'm not really sure why but for whatever reason it makes me smile when I think about it. But idk.

I figured out how to filter my email so that the ex can't bother me. it doesn't just go to my trashcan anymore. it now sends him a msg saying that the address no longer exists. So he shouldn't be able to contact me anymore.

So in time I'll be able to get him out of my head and be able to move one with whomever it may be. I don't know what the future holds anymore, but at least I can find out with a clearer head. He just gets inside my head so bad that I can't function anymore. And now I am free.

the date.....

Well.....I went on the date and it was alright. I did some things i'm not proud of, but did some things i am proud of. I actually followed through with the date and I am glad I did so I didn't fall for someone who isn't worth my time. He lies, he's annoying, and he was way too pushy to do things I wasn't ready for. Some of which I did not do, but one of which I did and shouldn't have. I kinda regret the whole thing. I told him I'm not ready for a relationship and I haven't heard from him since. But that is okay with me. I wish he hadn't been so pushy or I may have liked him. If I could have gotten past the annoying things about him.

I'm extra irritable lately. I snap at everyone and I'm just frustrated and annoyed about everything. not really sure why, but its just how I've been.

Started a new class today....biological foundations in psychology. Something like that. The book for it is an updated edition of the book that was used for my biopsychology class. I'm not really sure why they are using the same material for these classes but it's kind of irritating.

The ex has still been harassing me. But i don't really feel like talking about that. Maybe later tonight or something, but right now I don't really want to talk about him. I'm sick of him being inside my head so bad.

I have to do this, I just have to.

Okay, so I didn't go on that date because it just didn't feel right. I'm not ready to go on a date with someone I've only really talked to for a few days. But he understands and is willing to wait until I'm ready, and I couldn't ask for more. He is very understanding and I really like that about him. Granted I'm not sure that I feel any kind of connection with him yet, but maybe I will once we spend time together, I don't know.

I want to go on a date with him and give it a shot. But a huge part of me wants to do it out of spite. Just to hurt the ex. take pics and post them on facebook just like he did. Show him I'm not his property to walk all over anymore. Show him I can do the same as him. Show him I can move on too.

Now again I'm all pumped to do this, but then when it comes time to do it I chicken out. I'm going to get the tests done for the surgery tomorrow and then if it doesn't take too long and I can keep from talking myself out of it, we will probably go for dinner. I feel so weird doing this. I've never really been out on a real date. It's awkward, and I don't know what to wear or how to go about doing all of this.

I can do this, I just have to have enough faith in myself to get to the point of following through.

Date...

Well. I have a date on Tuesday. I decided to accept the offer from this guy and see what happens. I have to get over S and move on. So....here I go. We are going to go bowling, which is weird to me cuz its not really my thing and i suck at it. But he said he does too so we can suck at it together. Tuesday is such short notice though. I haven't really done the whole date thing. So I don't know how to prepare. I don't know what I'll wear, or even how i'll do my hair. I need a hair cut but its too late to even try now.

I scared out of my mind, but I really think I need to do this. I think it will be good for me to get out with someone new. And even if it doesn't work out, atleast I won't sit and wonder what if. I'm not sure that I feel any connection with him, but I won't know for sure until we are actually spending time together and getting to know each other. There is part of me that wants to just randomly make up an excuse not to go and just disappear due to fear, but I know that won't get me anywhere. Going on this date will me a good thing. A growing experience for me. To see that there is more out there than the asshole that i can't get out of my head.

ugh

So....I have an offer on a date for Tuesday. I don't think I'm ready for it honestly. I'm so scared. I can't imagine being with anyone right now. I just don't have that desire. I'm too vulnerable.

But yet I sit here thinking, why the hell not....He moved on, why shouldn't I. It's just a date. Nothing serious. No guarantee there will be anything happening. Could just be fun to get out of the house with someone new, could be exciting. I'm just so scared, it shouldn't be like this. It wasn't supposed to be like this. I'm not supposed to be so afraid of even considering being with a guy. This just isn't right. I hate it. I really do. I deserve to be happy and to be able to find a decent man who will treat me right. Its like there are no real men out there anymore.

New identity....

as far as i know he is completely blocked from being able to contact me at all. If he emails me it will go straight to the trash can. So I will not even see it. I've had it, I can't do this anymore. I cant keep allowing someone to hurt me like this. I'm not some pile of trash to be kicked around. I am a person. I deserve to be treated with respect.

I really need a fresh start. I need to just run away, disappear and just start over as someone else. I'm going to bust my ass to get this surgery done and be the person I want to be, get through school. And then I'm just going to find a good job somewhere and I'm going to pick up and go. I'm not going to tell people where I'm at, only certain people and then just go. Start over. Hmmmm, can you get your name changed legally to something completely different?

im done

I am now receiving messages that if I don't give him money he's going to post pics of me on the net. Pics he claims to have of me that are inappropriate. Wouldn't that be blackmail?? Cuz I feel like it is. Its been almost a year and I'm still the one suffering for something that I did not do. He's seriously pushing me over the edge. I'm so close to giving up. I just want to die.

not fair...

I went through the BS of getting that stupid bone scan for nothing. Dr said i may have had stress fractures but they should be healed by now. He is at a loss and doesn't know what to do or how to fix the problem cuz he can't figure out the problem.

I haven't heard from him in 3 days. I think his phone got shut off. Serves him right for wasting money or another girl. Why is it that he gets to be the happy one. Move on with no problem and just be happy. And I sit here miserable day in and day out. I'm still the one suffering and being punished for something he did to me.

not worth what i'd be missing

Why is it so difficult to give up the one you loved the most, even when they are the one to hurt you the most. I really think that if I saw him in person I would feel the exact way I feel when I see my ex in person.....disgusted. But I think the distance makes it so difficult to feel that way. I almost wanna take a trip out there see him and see how i really do feel inside.

I know I cannot be with him because of my family. And if I were to be with him I would have to live there and never see my family. I have a new niece to watch grow up and spoil the hell out of. Why would I give that up, when I may never have my own kids. Since we knew about her I said she would be my side kick. I was there when she was born. I already have a bond and connection with her.

Tonight she was such a cranky baby, but I was the one who could keep her fairly calm. She slept on me off and on and only fussed a little bit. We chilled in my room and listened to music together and she fell asleep listening to it with me. I didn't have that kind of connections with my other nieces and nephews, because I was so young when they were born. The niece I was the closest to is the one the ex ruined my relationship with. Most of the time I can't be around her unless i'm "numb".

But my baby niece likes spending time with her auntie. She's always pretty chill when we hang out. And usually always falls asleep on me at some point. She likes to lay half on her side and half on her tummy in your arm and have her back patted and be slightly rocked when she goes to sleep. And always has her piglet binky.

I just don't think any man is worth the experience I could have watching that little girl grow up and be my little side kick.

horror from the past

October 13th will be 10 years since I last saw him. Well would have been anyways. It's been almost 10 years since he raped me. I tried so hard for all this time to forget what he looks like so if I ever saw him in public I wouldn't know who he was. I never wanted to remember what he looked like or anything.

Well just a couple days ago, one of my facebook friends added him to their friend list. I wasn't for definite that it was him, but I was pretty sure. The name, that face. Sure he looks different than I remember, but I don't really remember what he looks like.

Today she asked me if I knew him, and I had to tell her. She was able to confirm for me that is really is him. It makes me sick and I just want to cry over it. I tried so hard not to have to deal with it anymore. I'm kinda glad she asked so I could tell her about it because he wanted to meet her and stuff. And so I guess it was a good thing and I could possibly have saved her from going through the same thing.

I was 17 when it happened. He was supposed to be my friend. But he took advantage of me trusting him as a friend. that is why i don't trust guys at all. Can't trust them as a friend or as a partner.

Survival of the fittest????

I'm not really sure what to think right now. I'm pretty lost and confused in my own head. Things have been pretty crazy here. My bro's gf is staying here temporarily. It's not so bad, her daughter is pretty well behaved, but has more energy than I can even remember having. My sis brings the baby over often, so that's nice but I get distracted. My computer crashed the other day and i lost everything. Now I'm having problems getting Microsoft office to download. It's kinda frustrating. I need this stuff for school and I can't get it to work.

I'm back to smoking the happy stuff every chance I get. I'd rather be baked than feel anything at all. It's what gets me through the day. I know that's a bad thing, but I don't care really. I really need to find my motivation again. I'm slacking on everything. I have so many things I need to be doing to get to where I want to be, but yet I just don't have that desire anymore to get it done.

Getting the weight loss surgery is the biggest decision I have ever had to make, and probably will ever have to make. however, I'm still doing it regardless of any anxiety that comes my way. Getting my gallbladder removed was horrible, I can't imagine how this is going to go.

Ya know I have been through a hell of a lot of shit in my short time on this earth, but for some reason I can't get the motivation to teach myself to feel better. A friend just told me to remember that I am a survivor, and she's absolutely right. I have to remember that but most importantly I have to make myself believe that. No matter what I go through I will survive. I have made it this far, I can make it to the finish line.

There's that saying about survival of the fittest....To be that survivor I have to get to the finish line. I have to prove some people wrong. I have to show them I can make it. I can succeed at all the things I want to do.

Idk......

the fight of a lifetime.

I don't know what it is, but there is something about this man that I just can't let go of. I love him with everything I have, even though I know its toxic and that I deserve so much better than he can ever give me. No matter how hard I try to get over him and just forget about being with him, there is something keeping me holding on. hoping and wishing that it will get better and he will be the person I believed he was in the beginning. Maybe its because I have seen that side of him that I fell inlove with. I know that side of him is still there and I believe too much that he can be the man I love and adore so much.

Sad part is, he acts like a completely different person anymore. I don't know how to deal with it all. I don't know how to let him go, or how to fight for him. I never had to fight for anyone before. I don't know if he's even worth fighting for. How do I figure that out???

never forget.

it's really hard for me to stop thinking of him. He was my first real true true love. And he destroyed me. I need to keep remembering that I washed my hands of him for a reason. I have to remember all the hurt and pain he caused me.

I need to remember why I deserve better than that POS. And I need to focus on these upcoming surgeries. First my gall bladder, and then the lap band. Someday he will regret everything he did to me. And when that day comes I'll rub it in his face.

everything keeps changing.

Really I don't even know what to say right now so I'll just go with the flow. I dont know whats going to happen as of right now. i have to get my gall bladder out. Thankfully the problem has been figured out. I see the surgeon on Monday to make sure thats what he is going to do and set a surgery date. I hope he doesn't wait too long because I don't want to be sick anymore.

As for him.... he's dating another girl but expects me to sit around and wait for him. i need to prove that i want him and then he will dump her for me again. Yeah right....

Just not worth the bullshit I have to deal with with him.

On a lighter note, this guy made contact with me who seems to be pretty cool. He lives about 2.5 hours away, but has a camp about 30 mins away from me. When he comes up to camp on a weekend he wants to hang out and get to know eachother and see how things go. I'm not entirely sure about it, but he seems to be really into me considering he doesn't know me.

I'm not sure what I want right now. But I'm down with meeting new people and making friends if nothing else. My self esteem is shit is so bad from "him" and what he did to me that I am too afraid to meet someone new. I'm so afraid of the rejection and judgement. Most of all scared to death of loving again and being hurt like I was.

For now if I meet him it will be just friends. Nothing fast. Completely slow. I have too much going on to have to focus on a relationship too. I just can't right now. i have t0 stay single for myself and take care of myself. I need to learn how to love myself.

tonight is the night.

So he went and met this girl. While with her msg'd me and told me that I was right its not right in his heart. Because I am in his heart. So....what will happen.....

Tonight is the night I confront my niece...I'm not sure how it will go since I'm pretty sure she's a pathological liar. A fight may happen with my family, but I'm done. I want and deserve to know the truth. If things go badly, then when i get my loans I'm out of here. I haven't a clue where I will go as of yet, but I know that if shit goes down i'm leaving. Hell the beginning of June I may end up just disappearing from here if things go bad.

I know I have places that I can go. So I am not worried about that right now. I just need to get how of here soon thats for sure. Regardless of what happens I will be moving when I am able to.

not sure what to do.

I'm starting to think that regardless of what actually went on (which I want to know the truth, and i deserve to know the truth) steven and I won't end up together again. He's talking to this other girl and seems like he's chose her over me unless i prove myself to him. Why should I prove anything to him when he can't guarantee we'll be together. He can't guarantee he won't get with this girl, and he won't guarantee he won't sleep with her. I can't see myself being okay with this. Not that I have the right to be not okay with it. But I'm just not okay with it. I think I should just give up continuing with my moving on, and just take care of me. I talk to him again and my stomach problems are acting up again. I am probably going to have to get that scope down my throat to see if there is anything visibly wrong with my stomach. I have all the symptoms of stomach ulcers but i don't throw up coffeeground stuff. I just throw up all the time. I'm nauseous constantly, among other stuff.

Anyways, I really just need to know the truth about what happened before I can decide on anything. I honestly would rather give Mike another chance than deal with all this shit.

I've had it!

I just found out what could be the biggest change in my life right now.
He wasn't as guilty as everyone claimed.
She was more guilty than him. She started it.
I am bound and determined that I will find the truth in this situation.
From the beginning I believed she started it as she has done this shit to her friends.
Now I know the truth. She really did do the same thing to me. Her AUNT. HER FLESH AND BLOOD. How can anyone do such a horrible thing. To their own family.

I have a feeling shit is going to go down, and I will be turning away from my family really damn quick. It's time everyone knows what she's really like. It's time her mother knows what her 16 year old daughter is really up to.

he moved on.

I'm really drunk right now cuz I didn't know what else to do. I drank half a bottle of southern comfort 100 proof. And honesty its better than feeling then way I was feeling.

I found out today steven moved on. thats supposed to be a good thing but it breaks my heart. i can't see straight so bear with me here. I love Steven more than anything but after everything that happened i know i can't be with him. I just wish i could find someone who actually wanted me for me.

I want to OD more than anything right now. I started out with some pills and then later started on the alcohol it shouldn't cause any probs except that i'm drunk as all hell. When the time is right I will find someone who is much much better than him. Someone who will love me unlike he did. If he truly loved me he wouldn't have done what he did.

i have to go cuz i can't see. later.

don't care

I'm slowly losing my ability to give a shit about anything. I don't care about me, I don't care about life. I just want to waste away to nothing.

I wish I could just magically become someone else with all the things I want to be. And to look the way I want to look. I just don't want to be me. I'm rather be dead.

need an escape

I need out of this place. I need my own space to be me. I don't know how I will have the strength to keep from eating all the stuff that everyone else here eats. I need to not eat stuff but the temptation is always there. No one here is willing to be supportive of the fact that I just can't have the temptations.

Some days all I want to do is stuff myself silly. I know that those days are to come to an end and I'm perfectly happy with that. I just need to be in my own environment where I can start out with all healthy stuff and no junk. So then I am not tempted. Out of sight out of mind.

I am struggling through so much right now. I have been holding in far more than I can handle holding in. Slowly it will all be revealed in this blog.

oh well

i've done something today that I haven't done in years. But I don't want to talk about it, the scars will be enough of a story.

not doing well today......

*sigh*

I have such mixed feelings about this whole situation. I hate him and don't want to be with him. Yet there is still that part of me that loves him and wishes things were different. I know that nothing can change how things are, because I refuse to be with someone who would go after a minor. It makes me sick. But at times its hard for me to forget the good times. A part of me wants those few good times back. I know that the good does not outweigh the bad, but I'm just so torn apart that I can't figure out how to fix it all.

Being a psychology major I shouldn't have a problem getting through this, but for some reason it is easier for me to apply what I learn to others instead of myself. Someway, somehow I need to figure out how to help myself. I need to figure out how to be happy. I need my reason to be on this earth. I pray every night for either death or a reason to live. I haven't found that reason yet. I hope someday soon I have the opportunity to figure it out.

too much to handle

I'm not doing well with everything going on in my life right now. I think I am taking on too much. Between school, preparing for surgery, meeting the needs of everyone else, and trying to heal is more than I can handle right now. I know to most it does not seem like much, but to me it is a lot. I have lost myself somewhere within the past year. I truly have.

Sometimes I wonder if I still want the same things in life. I wanted to be a psychologist one day. I don't know if I'll make it that far. The depression is killing my desire for school. The harassment kills my focus for school and everything else. I avoid doing my work as much as I can because I just do not want to deal with it. I feel like I am burnt out. I need a break from everything so I can just focus on preparing for the surgery. Sure I have months before it happens, but these months are crucial and important to get the insurance approval.

I'm emotionally exhausted on a daily basis, and I do not know how much longer I can take it.

Just can't take it anymore

I'm going to do the best that I can to keep my identity a secret. Only one person knows who I am and I'm hoping to keep it that way. I have to keep myself as secret as possible because my ex cannot seem to leave me alone no matter what I do. He just doesn't seem to get the point. I cannot take it anymore. I'm going crazy because I just want to heal from all the pain he caused.

I strongly believe I have post traumatic stress disorder because of everything he did to me. I just want the nightmares to stop. I want to get rid of these flash backs. I cannot even look at my tv without seeing that disgusting porno he made me watch. Certain shows I cannot watch because I know how much he thought of them sexually, and never me. I can't stand that I cannot have the relationship with my niece I had before him because of what he attempted to do with her. I know it is not her fault, but sometimes I want to blame her just as much as him. I know I cannot do that. I need to heal so I can be myself again.

This blog is where I plan to write about my process of healing over this toxic relationship that won't go away. I need somewhere I can write it all out so I can use it for therapy. I need out of this darkness more than anything.

I have never wanted to die so much in my life. I have the self control to keep myself from doing anything stupid, but I really want to just end it all so I don't have to deal with the harassment anymore. I feel like the only way he will leave me alone is if I'm dead. This is not fair to me.

I was told to use a rubberband to snap on my wrist to do a form of relaxation. I cannot do this because I know that it will only be a matter of time before that rubberband snap won't be enough and I will end up cutting again. I often wonder if it will help me through this vicious cycle of dealing with this asshole. I'm getting physically sick over this. I just do not know what to do with myself anymore. I don't know how to deal with this anymore.

I have to get this off my mind someway somehow.