just some thoughts.

I will probably jinx myself with this next statement. But...Things are going really amazing right now. I really am the happiest I have ever been. Nothing seems impossible anymore and I don't think about death anymore. I know its probably just temporary because I never go very long without thinking about killing myself. It is something that haunts me to no end. Right now I know its J who is keeping me from thinking the way I usually do. But that is a great thing. He is so good for me and I just can't seem to find anything wrong with him. Everytime we hang out it is an adventure and I just love it. Last night he couldn't sleep and painted me an amazing picture of my name with a rose and veins. It is absolutely beautiful and I have never dated a guy who was so sweet and did such awesome things for me. I am sure I will get the actual copy of the picture tomorrow when I go to his house, but until then I have a picture of it and that enough for me. I just love waking up to things like that from him.

I spent the night with him last week and it was amazing. The way he holds me just makes me feel like there isn't a single place I would rather be than with him. He held me so much to the point that he even had a leg around me. And he held me the whole night while we slept. No one has ever done that before. We'll be in the store or somewhere in public and he will just randomly kiss me. We'd be driving down the road and he would lean over and kiss me or put his hand on my leg. things like that and its just really nice. We would sit on his couch and I would put my arm on his leg and he would either hold my hand or my arm. I just love that he likes to cuddle and be like that just as much as I do.

I'm falling for him a lot more than I planned to. And I am really trying hard not to fall for him so fast, but its not working. He embraces life and is teaching me how to do the same. I don't value life like he does. Mainly because I never went through such a tough experience as he did when he had his accident at work and got burned on 95% of his body (80% was 3rd degree burns and he only had a 5% chance of living). So naturally he is lucky to be alive and he learned to value life a lot more than I will probably ever have the ability to do. But I'm trying to and that is more than I have ever done.

Most of the time I'd rather just be dead than have to deal with life, but with J it is so different. I am so happy and I'm perfectly okay with being alive. I just need to learn to be able to value life even if J is not in my life.

In awe...

I had my second date with J. It was wonderful. I actually had a wonderful time. He took me for dinner when we met up. Then we went to his place and took a little cat nap. His bird called me a nasty name because she did not like that I was there wit him. We cuddled a lot and talked a lot and just had fun being together. We ever played board games for the fun of it. We took a nice ride in the country and we picked apples off a tree on the side of the road to eat. I havent done that since I was a kid. We went to his favorite swimming hole that is under a bridge. I had an encounter with a snake and didn't even freak out. He took me to meet his parents and made me breakfast. We did have one encounter of "fun" and it was magical. But the thing about this (not sure what to label it as yet) is not about sex by any means. yeah we did it, but it wasn't all about that. We spent more time cuddling and just enjoying being together than anything else. Sharing stories and thoughts and just things about life. And even though it was late when we got back he still stood outside with me and talked and hugged me and kissed me and kept telling me how much he didn't want to leave and just wanted to take me back home with him. He did not get home until 3am. I felt really bad, but I know that it was so late because he didn't want me to go any more than I did. I'm starting to fall for him really bad, but I am still keeping my feet on the ground. I'm not expecting too much, or anything at all. Just honesty. I'm not being all stupid and saying stupid shit to mess this up. I want this one to happen legitly. So I am allowing him to set the pace and I'm just going with it as I feel I am ready for it.

There is definitely something between and 2 of us. I just haven't figured it out yet.

J

I guess in a way I need to sort some thoughts out. When I left R I felt confident and pretty good about myself. I was strong and I was ready for a new life. S came along and what I thought I was getting wasn't what I got. I was torn down to nothing. I was left with nothing but a black soul and a shattered heart. Its taken a lot time to pick up the pieces. Putting them back together is never easy, but right now I actually feel like i'm whole again. I think in a way F kind of helped me get myself together. He did some shitty stuff to me, but I made it through just fine. Now J comes along. J to me is like no man I have ever actually known. He's a gentleman, he even gets out of the car and comes around to open the door for me. No one does that anymore, but he does. He tells me everyday how pretty and how beautiful I am. He even went to the extent of typing U R BEAUTIFUL one letter in each text to me before I went to sleep last night. He randomly tells me things like he wants a hug or he wants to hold me or play with my hair. He helps me think positive and helps me change all the negativity around me to positive thoughts in my head. When I'm with him the rest of the world doesn't exist because I am in complete bliss. I don't know what is going to happen, and I don't know what this is. But there is something there with J. We have something, I'm just not sure what it is yet. It is different than I have ever experienced. Whatever it is that we have I really like. And no matter the outcome I will be happy as long as he is in my life. There are sparks between us and he's even said so himself. Something is there, we are just taking it day by day and letting things happen however they happen. But what is most important is that he is here for me and encouraging me to achieve my goals and to do the things I want to do. Its like he thinks I have it all figured out. He likes that I have a plan and that I have goals and he likes that I work so hard on my goals. He likes that I am taking control of my life and doing what is right for me. There is just something about him that feels so right. Something about him that makes me feel like everything is going to be okay. I hope that one day we get to figure out what it is that we have and follow through accordingly. Taking it slow as we can is the best option. And I know in some ways things are moving fast, but in others ways it is still moving slow. I guess we are just feeling out our own pace of what happens in this chapter. This is only chapter 1 of the new start I am making. I have finally learned to just write it as I go. Let things just happen as they are meant to happen. What more can I do really....

changing up the alphabet.

There is something about you that makes me wonder what it would be like... But I don't think that I'm the person for you. I'm not good enough for you. See how it goes? It's too risky. Too easy for me to fall, and crash. I'm not at that point in my life where I should be that you would be able to handle me. I'm not independent enough. I don't have everything in me that you need in a partner. I know you accept me for me on the inside and you know what I'm like on the inside, maybe even a little bit more than I thought you did. But I don't think you will be able to accept that outer layer. What I look like on the outside is what causes the problems all the time.

Could the lifestyle change be who I really am? Sometimes I wonder if maybe I that is what is wrong with me. No....not wrong with me in a bad way. But maybe that is what I am missing. Could I have been in denial all this time? I don't know. Since the end of S, I started to question myself. So far R, S, S, F, E, etc all a bust.... E and S always pop back up because S did recently telling me he leaving his girl and blah blah blah. But he will never want to be with me, he can't commit to anyone ever. It never lasts. So no matter what he will only ever be my friend. E will pop back up at some point and keep confusing me as he has since I was a teenager.

J will probably never actually be with me until I'm thin enough. We have a connection and I think we both know and feel it. But as much as he tells me he wants me to be happy and feel good about myself I know that he wants me to be thinner before he would make any commitment. I have to fight for him. By losing weight.

Why can't anyone ever love me for me? Sure he gives me the motivation to do this and I've been exercising and being more active than I was before him and I met. But I'm scared that if I don't do this he will walk away. I'm already fearing that he will leave me. He keeps me positive most of the time and I'm happy, I smile more than ever. But I'm going to end up wanting more than he does before he does. I already do. This is hard, I'm falling for him but I'm not sure its the right move.

ugh.....I think I am permanently confused.

it was like.....

....nothing i have ever experienced in my life. Watching him standing there looking back at me with a smile while he's jamming on the guitar. the hottest thing I have ever seen. Someone gazing in my eyes looking at me and zoning out admiring my beauty. He did. He would just go into a daze and then say you know you really are so pretty. I did not open a single door. He opened the door for me, even the car door. We could have deep conversation, sometimes about the dumbest things but I was just glued to hearing every word. We have so much in common and have a lot of views on so many things. He cares to hear what I have to say. He is funny and has a great sense of humor. We laughed a lot. He the most adorable dogs and the funniest bird. She jams out to music all day and dances. She says so much stuff but I can't understand her that well because she talks to fast for me. His puppy Gizmo is the cutest ever. she kept climbing up on my shoulders and playin with me and snuggling with me. she was awesome. I behaved myself, but I did go to his house and we watched movies and cuddled. He kept running his fingers through my hair and touching my face and I must say no man has ever touched me like he did. And it was a non sexual way.

I really am so happy right now that I met J and I think it may end up more than friends. I don't know, but whatever it is or will be I'm happy with it. I am just in awe right now. Not sure I can even sleep though i'm exhausted and ready for bed.

what to do

I've been talking to J a lot lately. We are talking about meeting on Tuesday. I'm trying not to over think it. He's said some things that I am unsure of. He said "you are so freakin pretty I could tell you I love you but I better not" I said to wait until he knows me and meets me first. He deleted his profile on the dating site.

I don't know what to think anymore. At this point every time I go to say something to him about meeting I decide not to say anything at all. I think he is too into me and I'm worried he may be a bit of a weirdo or something. I don't know, I'm going to think more about it. Its only going on 11pm and i guess i'm going to bed because I am so freaking bored. I can't take it. I don't know what to do with myself.

lost

There is something about J that I really like so far. He knows what I look like (full body) and he just told me today "you are so freaking pretty I want to tell you I love you but I better not" I told him that it was much too soon and would mean more if he said it not through text. He knows what my goals are as far as getting surgery and he told me that he wants to be there for me and help me succeed in my goal. He wants to help me reach my goals. I have never known a guy who wanted to be so supportive in what I want in life. It means a lot.

He is super sweet and says all the right things. Which doesn't really mean anything because many guys do and turn into assholes later on. He just actually seems real to me. I haven't come across any red flags yet which is good. But who knows. We are talking about meeting and I really want to. I want to meet and see how things go. Take things slow and not screw up like I did last time. He's a bit older than what I'm used to, but who knows it could be what I need. Someone who may actually be a mature guy. That would be nice. I'm sure i'm just dreaming though.

On another note....I had a dream I was going on a date with L. That was weird, but could be because I talked to him a few times. His niece passed away after fighting for her life for 9 days. He told me about it and we talked for a little bit, but that was it. Its not like there is anything going on there but I think feelings are still there. It's hard talking to him and not having the feelings.


I'm just so lost these days. I want too much that I can't have. So maybe checking out what I can have and see how it goes. J is cute and funny and sweet and I do like him. I don't know that I feel more than like for him, but I'm willing to find out.