the fight of a lifetime.

I don't know what it is, but there is something about this man that I just can't let go of. I love him with everything I have, even though I know its toxic and that I deserve so much better than he can ever give me. No matter how hard I try to get over him and just forget about being with him, there is something keeping me holding on. hoping and wishing that it will get better and he will be the person I believed he was in the beginning. Maybe its because I have seen that side of him that I fell inlove with. I know that side of him is still there and I believe too much that he can be the man I love and adore so much.

Sad part is, he acts like a completely different person anymore. I don't know how to deal with it all. I don't know how to let him go, or how to fight for him. I never had to fight for anyone before. I don't know if he's even worth fighting for. How do I figure that out???

never forget.

it's really hard for me to stop thinking of him. He was my first real true true love. And he destroyed me. I need to keep remembering that I washed my hands of him for a reason. I have to remember all the hurt and pain he caused me.

I need to remember why I deserve better than that POS. And I need to focus on these upcoming surgeries. First my gall bladder, and then the lap band. Someday he will regret everything he did to me. And when that day comes I'll rub it in his face.

everything keeps changing.

Really I don't even know what to say right now so I'll just go with the flow. I dont know whats going to happen as of right now. i have to get my gall bladder out. Thankfully the problem has been figured out. I see the surgeon on Monday to make sure thats what he is going to do and set a surgery date. I hope he doesn't wait too long because I don't want to be sick anymore.

As for him.... he's dating another girl but expects me to sit around and wait for him. i need to prove that i want him and then he will dump her for me again. Yeah right....

Just not worth the bullshit I have to deal with with him.

On a lighter note, this guy made contact with me who seems to be pretty cool. He lives about 2.5 hours away, but has a camp about 30 mins away from me. When he comes up to camp on a weekend he wants to hang out and get to know eachother and see how things go. I'm not entirely sure about it, but he seems to be really into me considering he doesn't know me.

I'm not sure what I want right now. But I'm down with meeting new people and making friends if nothing else. My self esteem is shit is so bad from "him" and what he did to me that I am too afraid to meet someone new. I'm so afraid of the rejection and judgement. Most of all scared to death of loving again and being hurt like I was.

For now if I meet him it will be just friends. Nothing fast. Completely slow. I have too much going on to have to focus on a relationship too. I just can't right now. i have t0 stay single for myself and take care of myself. I need to learn how to love myself.

tonight is the night.

So he went and met this girl. While with her msg'd me and told me that I was right its not right in his heart. Because I am in his heart. So....what will happen.....

Tonight is the night I confront my niece...I'm not sure how it will go since I'm pretty sure she's a pathological liar. A fight may happen with my family, but I'm done. I want and deserve to know the truth. If things go badly, then when i get my loans I'm out of here. I haven't a clue where I will go as of yet, but I know that if shit goes down i'm leaving. Hell the beginning of June I may end up just disappearing from here if things go bad.

I know I have places that I can go. So I am not worried about that right now. I just need to get how of here soon thats for sure. Regardless of what happens I will be moving when I am able to.

not sure what to do.

I'm starting to think that regardless of what actually went on (which I want to know the truth, and i deserve to know the truth) steven and I won't end up together again. He's talking to this other girl and seems like he's chose her over me unless i prove myself to him. Why should I prove anything to him when he can't guarantee we'll be together. He can't guarantee he won't get with this girl, and he won't guarantee he won't sleep with her. I can't see myself being okay with this. Not that I have the right to be not okay with it. But I'm just not okay with it. I think I should just give up continuing with my moving on, and just take care of me. I talk to him again and my stomach problems are acting up again. I am probably going to have to get that scope down my throat to see if there is anything visibly wrong with my stomach. I have all the symptoms of stomach ulcers but i don't throw up coffeeground stuff. I just throw up all the time. I'm nauseous constantly, among other stuff.

Anyways, I really just need to know the truth about what happened before I can decide on anything. I honestly would rather give Mike another chance than deal with all this shit.

I've had it!

I just found out what could be the biggest change in my life right now.
He wasn't as guilty as everyone claimed.
She was more guilty than him. She started it.
I am bound and determined that I will find the truth in this situation.
From the beginning I believed she started it as she has done this shit to her friends.
Now I know the truth. She really did do the same thing to me. Her AUNT. HER FLESH AND BLOOD. How can anyone do such a horrible thing. To their own family.

I have a feeling shit is going to go down, and I will be turning away from my family really damn quick. It's time everyone knows what she's really like. It's time her mother knows what her 16 year old daughter is really up to.

he moved on.

I'm really drunk right now cuz I didn't know what else to do. I drank half a bottle of southern comfort 100 proof. And honesty its better than feeling then way I was feeling.

I found out today steven moved on. thats supposed to be a good thing but it breaks my heart. i can't see straight so bear with me here. I love Steven more than anything but after everything that happened i know i can't be with him. I just wish i could find someone who actually wanted me for me.

I want to OD more than anything right now. I started out with some pills and then later started on the alcohol it shouldn't cause any probs except that i'm drunk as all hell. When the time is right I will find someone who is much much better than him. Someone who will love me unlike he did. If he truly loved me he wouldn't have done what he did.

i have to go cuz i can't see. later.

don't care

I'm slowly losing my ability to give a shit about anything. I don't care about me, I don't care about life. I just want to waste away to nothing.

I wish I could just magically become someone else with all the things I want to be. And to look the way I want to look. I just don't want to be me. I'm rather be dead.

need an escape

I need out of this place. I need my own space to be me. I don't know how I will have the strength to keep from eating all the stuff that everyone else here eats. I need to not eat stuff but the temptation is always there. No one here is willing to be supportive of the fact that I just can't have the temptations.

Some days all I want to do is stuff myself silly. I know that those days are to come to an end and I'm perfectly happy with that. I just need to be in my own environment where I can start out with all healthy stuff and no junk. So then I am not tempted. Out of sight out of mind.

I am struggling through so much right now. I have been holding in far more than I can handle holding in. Slowly it will all be revealed in this blog.

oh well

i've done something today that I haven't done in years. But I don't want to talk about it, the scars will be enough of a story.

not doing well today......

*sigh*

I have such mixed feelings about this whole situation. I hate him and don't want to be with him. Yet there is still that part of me that loves him and wishes things were different. I know that nothing can change how things are, because I refuse to be with someone who would go after a minor. It makes me sick. But at times its hard for me to forget the good times. A part of me wants those few good times back. I know that the good does not outweigh the bad, but I'm just so torn apart that I can't figure out how to fix it all.

Being a psychology major I shouldn't have a problem getting through this, but for some reason it is easier for me to apply what I learn to others instead of myself. Someway, somehow I need to figure out how to help myself. I need to figure out how to be happy. I need my reason to be on this earth. I pray every night for either death or a reason to live. I haven't found that reason yet. I hope someday soon I have the opportunity to figure it out.

too much to handle

I'm not doing well with everything going on in my life right now. I think I am taking on too much. Between school, preparing for surgery, meeting the needs of everyone else, and trying to heal is more than I can handle right now. I know to most it does not seem like much, but to me it is a lot. I have lost myself somewhere within the past year. I truly have.

Sometimes I wonder if I still want the same things in life. I wanted to be a psychologist one day. I don't know if I'll make it that far. The depression is killing my desire for school. The harassment kills my focus for school and everything else. I avoid doing my work as much as I can because I just do not want to deal with it. I feel like I am burnt out. I need a break from everything so I can just focus on preparing for the surgery. Sure I have months before it happens, but these months are crucial and important to get the insurance approval.

I'm emotionally exhausted on a daily basis, and I do not know how much longer I can take it.

Just can't take it anymore

I'm going to do the best that I can to keep my identity a secret. Only one person knows who I am and I'm hoping to keep it that way. I have to keep myself as secret as possible because my ex cannot seem to leave me alone no matter what I do. He just doesn't seem to get the point. I cannot take it anymore. I'm going crazy because I just want to heal from all the pain he caused.

I strongly believe I have post traumatic stress disorder because of everything he did to me. I just want the nightmares to stop. I want to get rid of these flash backs. I cannot even look at my tv without seeing that disgusting porno he made me watch. Certain shows I cannot watch because I know how much he thought of them sexually, and never me. I can't stand that I cannot have the relationship with my niece I had before him because of what he attempted to do with her. I know it is not her fault, but sometimes I want to blame her just as much as him. I know I cannot do that. I need to heal so I can be myself again.

This blog is where I plan to write about my process of healing over this toxic relationship that won't go away. I need somewhere I can write it all out so I can use it for therapy. I need out of this darkness more than anything.

I have never wanted to die so much in my life. I have the self control to keep myself from doing anything stupid, but I really want to just end it all so I don't have to deal with the harassment anymore. I feel like the only way he will leave me alone is if I'm dead. This is not fair to me.

I was told to use a rubberband to snap on my wrist to do a form of relaxation. I cannot do this because I know that it will only be a matter of time before that rubberband snap won't be enough and I will end up cutting again. I often wonder if it will help me through this vicious cycle of dealing with this asshole. I'm getting physically sick over this. I just do not know what to do with myself anymore. I don't know how to deal with this anymore.

I have to get this off my mind someway somehow.