When will it sink in....

On March 13... 24 days from now I am set to have bariatric surgery. I have been working the past 10 months to get to this point, and I have absolutely no emotions what so ever about the day being so close and coming so fast. The doctor decided he wanted me to get the sleeve instead of the lap band, and I'm pretty sure that is what I am going to go with. I was doing a pros and cons list and trying to really figure out what I wanted, but even if I didn't want the sleeve there is still a chance that is what I'll have to get. The biggest thing is that with the band I will only lose maybe 50% of my weight where with the sleeve I can lose up to 70% of my weight and I'd much rather lose 70% if not more. I want more than anything to just lose as much weight as possible so I can feel better and be happier. I just hope I won't look gross and scary.

The one thing that scares me the most about this whole thing is that I have to give up everything, and addiction runs in my genes. I am scared that because I have to give up everything that can be addictive (smoking, food, caffeine, soda, sugar, and everything bad) that I will end up being so addicted to losing weight that i'll end up anorexic or something. I don't think I will, but what if I become so obsessed with losing weight that it consumes my life even more than it is supposed to.

In a week I start my liquid diet. That will last for 18 days and the day after the last day of the liquid part will be surgery and then i'll have liquid diet for another 2 weeks and then work my way up to solid foods.

I'm just so thankful to have some of the support that I have from good friends and an awesome boyfriend. I can't wait to start really losing weight and have an easier time hiking with J.

I know I am scared about surgery, but excited too. It's just that right now I am numb. Completely numb to the entire thing. I know soon it will kick in and I won't feel so numb anymore. I know I'll be alright and I will make it through all this and everything will be super amazing. I just need to get to surgery and past surgery so I can start making awesome progress.

It's all good.

It has been a while since I have written here so I figured I am due for an update. Things are going pretty well lately. Things with J are great as always. He stayed the night Thursday with the dogs and we had a pretty good time. We always have a good time together though. J has been going through withdrawal from an antidepressant because his insurance decided they would not pay for the dosage anymore, so I wasn't sure how things were going to go since he had been pretty moody before Thursday. Apparently he was either pretty much done going through the withdrawal or he was just that happy to see me. Chances are he was about done with the withdrawal. Anyways...he got the giggles pretty bad that night. We laughed a lot more than we usually do, which is typically a lot. We had some really great bonding time together. And of course the sex is always amazing. This time much more intense than usual. It was the first time I ever had an orgasm from oral sex. I have never made so much eye contact with someone during sex. He's always looking in my eyes. We had some good snuggle time too. That's our favorite. And typically I spend some time tickling his back because he really likes it, but he also did the same for me this time. Its the second time he's done it, and I know that part of the reason he does it is because he knows it turns me on. At one point we were sitting in his car smoking and the windows were all fogged up, and he started drawing a picture on the windshield, so we ended up drawing a little martian together on his windshield that kinda looked like the martian from the flinstones. lol. Being with J has been amazing and I truly could not imagine being with anyone else. He's so much fun and we really mesh well.

On another note...I am very close to getting surgery. I took the psych eval again thursday and I passed it without any problems. I only have 2 support groups to attend and I will have everything done for surgery. All the main important stuff for the insurance to agree to pay for the surgery is done, so now I just have to wait for the Dr to submit the request to the insurance. Once the insurance gives the approval I will get to make an appt with the Dr and get set up for surgery. I can't wait to get the date set and get started on all of this. I really want to get it done so I can finally move forward. I'm scared to death of getting this surgery, but at the same time i'm excited and can't wait to get it done. This is a huge change in my life, and I just want to get it done.