Ugh...

I have to really push myself hard not to tell E how I feel. He shy's away really easy. So I need to just keep my damn mouth shut and not say anything. I have to wait for him to come to me. I've never dealt with a guy being like this before. I don't know how to take it. He likes me but he's too afraid to tell me. He can tell me that he thinks about me all the time, but he can't say "I like you" I just don't understand it. I offered the chance to get together when I go to Erie the next time, and he can't seem to even reply a yes or no. i said if its too soon just say so. How hard is it to just say something. I hate that everything is a learning experience for me. I have to learn so much constantly, can't something just come easy......

E... ♥

He has thought about me from day one. that was like 10 years ago. I have thought about him almost always. Its one of those he's a great friend but i never in million years thought he would have felt for me what i always did for him. I would often put it aside as I felt he would never want someone like me

He said he wishes he had the guts to tell me why its so hard for him to tell me how he feels about me. and wishes he could have the guts to really tell me. but he said he has to build the guts to do it and will call me and tell me. I'm super stoked!!!! I want this. but I'm scared of the same thing he is. He is afraid that once I see him in person won't feel the same, but i believe i will still feel the same. I've known him for a long time. there are no red flags ever. he's amazing. he really is. hes real.

I'm trying not to get my hopes up, but this is something I've wanted since I was like 16 or 17 ish. I'm not entirely sure when we first started talking but its been a long ass time. Its like one of those maybe a little bit of a fairy tail lame-O tv shows or movies where that thing happens just in a more modern way i reckon. anyways. i'm out.

this could be it.

I really like E. We are a lot alike, but in a good way, not a clashing way. He's so sincere and understanding and caring. He always speaks the truth and he's real. He always has been, from day one. He told me he has thought good of me and cared for me since day one.

Me= i care for you too, more than you know.
E= I think I want to say the same.
Me= then say it.
E= i want to
Me= but...
E= I'm scared.

He is scared of a lot of things just like I am. mostly of being hurt again. He told me he has chickened out telling me many times. I have chickened out telling him many times too. One day i was typing a message telling him that I like him and in the middle of typing it he text me to tell me something. it was crazy as hell. we thought of and text each other at the same time. I just really really like him. I always have, he's always been an amazing friend and someone I could really see myself with and have an actual healthy relationship with. And he doesn't have any kids with anyone else, so no baby mama drama.

♥ ♥

I like him a lot, I really do. I have for many years. E....we will just call him E. He lives a few hours away, but we've been friends since I was like 16ish. He has always been just as real as the first time we started talking. We text pretty much every day now, when he's able to text me he does. I sometimes wake up to goodmorning texts from him. And it honestly makes my day. He's a lot like me. We have a lot of the same views, but we are both scared to death of making that step. We are both afraid of getting hurt. He told me last night he wants to tell me he likes me he wants to open up and tell me how he feels but he is scared. So I just told him no pressure and to tell me when he is ready. I'm not going anywhere. We've been friends for this long, that won't change.

He was telling me about how he goes with his family every year to Maine to stay on the ocean and such for a week. They will be going again in May of 2012, and told me I could go if I wanted to. If things progress with him and I then I probably will. It would be fun.

So change of topic. I started my list of affirmations, but I also started a list of reasons why I want to lose weight. I am going to read it everyday so I can train my mind to be more motivated.

Nothing else exciting going on.

confused.

Had my meds changed, well one of them. I'm doing better than I was. I'm not so ready to give up on everything anymore. But I am really sick of being alone. I wish I could just find someone decent; someone who is right for me. It's these kind of days that make me miss him the most. The days where I wish things would have been different.

It's also the thoughts that scare me. I'm afraid I'll never feel for anyone else like I did him. I'm afraid I'll never have a connection with anyone like I did him. I didn't have any connection at all with F. It was like I was using him for sex. I was hurt when I found out he had a gf, but it was kind of a relief. I didn't want to be stuck with him. I feel like I will feel that way with every guy now.

Sometimes I'm perfectly okay with just staying single for the rest of my life. Sometimes its like I wouldn't change it, but then I have these lonely days. Where I want someone there. Maybe I just need someone not serious, but someone I can just be with when I feel this way. I don't know I'm so completely confused. I can't figure myself out right now.

tie a rope around it....let it hanggg....

Things really haven't been that great here. Not exactly sure what I wrote about last but I'll start with that date....

It went great till I found out he had a gf. In turn I did what I thought was right and told her what happened. I felt she deserved the right to know what her so called bf was really doing the night before he went to see her.

I did not get to my appointment to see the surgeon for the first for this process to get this surgery. I had to reschedule it. So now I can't see him until September. I am very close to giving up on the whole idea. I don't think its meant to happen.

According to the eval I'm too depressed and talk too poorly of myself to get the surgery. In all honesty if I take the test again I'll pass because I know where I need to tweak it for the results to come out right. However, since I am a psych major I don't believe in lying on the eval. I feel that I need to be honest and do it right because that is what I would expect from patients if I were to give those tests.

The honest truth though. I really am too depressed...I already knew that. i put on a front and act like I'm okay when I'm really not. Inside I'm a complete disaster. Inside its like a shit load of tornadoes hit. I don't believe I will ever be okay. I don't believe I'll ever get better, or that i'll ever not be too depressed. I know that my depression does not define me, just like my weight does not define me. They are only a part of me, but they are not who I am. However, I don't know how to shake the depressed hopeless feeling. I don't know how to be okay. I have been so depressed for so long that I don't know how to be anything else.

I'm scared. Scared that my life will be nothing but what it is now. The hope and desire to be who I want to be, but too damn depressed to get there. No matter what I do, I cant get ahead. I take one step forward and then something or someone comes along and kicks me 10 steps back. I will forever be trying to crawl my way back to the start line. I fear I will die being the person I am now. I really think that one day I will finally give up. One day I will snap and do something stupid. It scares me to death. I am so afraid of dying because I want it so bad. I wish I had the strength to just give up.