made up my mind.

Okay so Ive got another date with F on Friday. I'm really excited about it, but nervous at the same time.

free

Okay so I have been thinking about that date. And part of me kinda wants to try the date over again. It didn't exactly go the best, but I feel kind of like the ex got too much into my head and impaired my judgement.

the best part of the whole date was when he was walking down to the porch and I opened the door and when he saw me he dropped his phone. I'm not really sure why but for whatever reason it makes me smile when I think about it. But idk.

I figured out how to filter my email so that the ex can't bother me. it doesn't just go to my trashcan anymore. it now sends him a msg saying that the address no longer exists. So he shouldn't be able to contact me anymore.

So in time I'll be able to get him out of my head and be able to move one with whomever it may be. I don't know what the future holds anymore, but at least I can find out with a clearer head. He just gets inside my head so bad that I can't function anymore. And now I am free.

the date.....

Well.....I went on the date and it was alright. I did some things i'm not proud of, but did some things i am proud of. I actually followed through with the date and I am glad I did so I didn't fall for someone who isn't worth my time. He lies, he's annoying, and he was way too pushy to do things I wasn't ready for. Some of which I did not do, but one of which I did and shouldn't have. I kinda regret the whole thing. I told him I'm not ready for a relationship and I haven't heard from him since. But that is okay with me. I wish he hadn't been so pushy or I may have liked him. If I could have gotten past the annoying things about him.

I'm extra irritable lately. I snap at everyone and I'm just frustrated and annoyed about everything. not really sure why, but its just how I've been.

Started a new class today....biological foundations in psychology. Something like that. The book for it is an updated edition of the book that was used for my biopsychology class. I'm not really sure why they are using the same material for these classes but it's kind of irritating.

The ex has still been harassing me. But i don't really feel like talking about that. Maybe later tonight or something, but right now I don't really want to talk about him. I'm sick of him being inside my head so bad.

I have to do this, I just have to.

Okay, so I didn't go on that date because it just didn't feel right. I'm not ready to go on a date with someone I've only really talked to for a few days. But he understands and is willing to wait until I'm ready, and I couldn't ask for more. He is very understanding and I really like that about him. Granted I'm not sure that I feel any kind of connection with him yet, but maybe I will once we spend time together, I don't know.

I want to go on a date with him and give it a shot. But a huge part of me wants to do it out of spite. Just to hurt the ex. take pics and post them on facebook just like he did. Show him I'm not his property to walk all over anymore. Show him I can do the same as him. Show him I can move on too.

Now again I'm all pumped to do this, but then when it comes time to do it I chicken out. I'm going to get the tests done for the surgery tomorrow and then if it doesn't take too long and I can keep from talking myself out of it, we will probably go for dinner. I feel so weird doing this. I've never really been out on a real date. It's awkward, and I don't know what to wear or how to go about doing all of this.

I can do this, I just have to have enough faith in myself to get to the point of following through.

Date...

Well. I have a date on Tuesday. I decided to accept the offer from this guy and see what happens. I have to get over S and move on. So....here I go. We are going to go bowling, which is weird to me cuz its not really my thing and i suck at it. But he said he does too so we can suck at it together. Tuesday is such short notice though. I haven't really done the whole date thing. So I don't know how to prepare. I don't know what I'll wear, or even how i'll do my hair. I need a hair cut but its too late to even try now.

I scared out of my mind, but I really think I need to do this. I think it will be good for me to get out with someone new. And even if it doesn't work out, atleast I won't sit and wonder what if. I'm not sure that I feel any connection with him, but I won't know for sure until we are actually spending time together and getting to know each other. There is part of me that wants to just randomly make up an excuse not to go and just disappear due to fear, but I know that won't get me anywhere. Going on this date will me a good thing. A growing experience for me. To see that there is more out there than the asshole that i can't get out of my head.

ugh

So....I have an offer on a date for Tuesday. I don't think I'm ready for it honestly. I'm so scared. I can't imagine being with anyone right now. I just don't have that desire. I'm too vulnerable.

But yet I sit here thinking, why the hell not....He moved on, why shouldn't I. It's just a date. Nothing serious. No guarantee there will be anything happening. Could just be fun to get out of the house with someone new, could be exciting. I'm just so scared, it shouldn't be like this. It wasn't supposed to be like this. I'm not supposed to be so afraid of even considering being with a guy. This just isn't right. I hate it. I really do. I deserve to be happy and to be able to find a decent man who will treat me right. Its like there are no real men out there anymore.

New identity....

as far as i know he is completely blocked from being able to contact me at all. If he emails me it will go straight to the trash can. So I will not even see it. I've had it, I can't do this anymore. I cant keep allowing someone to hurt me like this. I'm not some pile of trash to be kicked around. I am a person. I deserve to be treated with respect.

I really need a fresh start. I need to just run away, disappear and just start over as someone else. I'm going to bust my ass to get this surgery done and be the person I want to be, get through school. And then I'm just going to find a good job somewhere and I'm going to pick up and go. I'm not going to tell people where I'm at, only certain people and then just go. Start over. Hmmmm, can you get your name changed legally to something completely different?

im done

I am now receiving messages that if I don't give him money he's going to post pics of me on the net. Pics he claims to have of me that are inappropriate. Wouldn't that be blackmail?? Cuz I feel like it is. Its been almost a year and I'm still the one suffering for something that I did not do. He's seriously pushing me over the edge. I'm so close to giving up. I just want to die.

not fair...

I went through the BS of getting that stupid bone scan for nothing. Dr said i may have had stress fractures but they should be healed by now. He is at a loss and doesn't know what to do or how to fix the problem cuz he can't figure out the problem.

I haven't heard from him in 3 days. I think his phone got shut off. Serves him right for wasting money or another girl. Why is it that he gets to be the happy one. Move on with no problem and just be happy. And I sit here miserable day in and day out. I'm still the one suffering and being punished for something he did to me.

not worth what i'd be missing

Why is it so difficult to give up the one you loved the most, even when they are the one to hurt you the most. I really think that if I saw him in person I would feel the exact way I feel when I see my ex in person.....disgusted. But I think the distance makes it so difficult to feel that way. I almost wanna take a trip out there see him and see how i really do feel inside.

I know I cannot be with him because of my family. And if I were to be with him I would have to live there and never see my family. I have a new niece to watch grow up and spoil the hell out of. Why would I give that up, when I may never have my own kids. Since we knew about her I said she would be my side kick. I was there when she was born. I already have a bond and connection with her.

Tonight she was such a cranky baby, but I was the one who could keep her fairly calm. She slept on me off and on and only fussed a little bit. We chilled in my room and listened to music together and she fell asleep listening to it with me. I didn't have that kind of connections with my other nieces and nephews, because I was so young when they were born. The niece I was the closest to is the one the ex ruined my relationship with. Most of the time I can't be around her unless i'm "numb".

But my baby niece likes spending time with her auntie. She's always pretty chill when we hang out. And usually always falls asleep on me at some point. She likes to lay half on her side and half on her tummy in your arm and have her back patted and be slightly rocked when she goes to sleep. And always has her piglet binky.

I just don't think any man is worth the experience I could have watching that little girl grow up and be my little side kick.

horror from the past

October 13th will be 10 years since I last saw him. Well would have been anyways. It's been almost 10 years since he raped me. I tried so hard for all this time to forget what he looks like so if I ever saw him in public I wouldn't know who he was. I never wanted to remember what he looked like or anything.

Well just a couple days ago, one of my facebook friends added him to their friend list. I wasn't for definite that it was him, but I was pretty sure. The name, that face. Sure he looks different than I remember, but I don't really remember what he looks like.

Today she asked me if I knew him, and I had to tell her. She was able to confirm for me that is really is him. It makes me sick and I just want to cry over it. I tried so hard not to have to deal with it anymore. I'm kinda glad she asked so I could tell her about it because he wanted to meet her and stuff. And so I guess it was a good thing and I could possibly have saved her from going through the same thing.

I was 17 when it happened. He was supposed to be my friend. But he took advantage of me trusting him as a friend. that is why i don't trust guys at all. Can't trust them as a friend or as a partner.

Survival of the fittest????

I'm not really sure what to think right now. I'm pretty lost and confused in my own head. Things have been pretty crazy here. My bro's gf is staying here temporarily. It's not so bad, her daughter is pretty well behaved, but has more energy than I can even remember having. My sis brings the baby over often, so that's nice but I get distracted. My computer crashed the other day and i lost everything. Now I'm having problems getting Microsoft office to download. It's kinda frustrating. I need this stuff for school and I can't get it to work.

I'm back to smoking the happy stuff every chance I get. I'd rather be baked than feel anything at all. It's what gets me through the day. I know that's a bad thing, but I don't care really. I really need to find my motivation again. I'm slacking on everything. I have so many things I need to be doing to get to where I want to be, but yet I just don't have that desire anymore to get it done.

Getting the weight loss surgery is the biggest decision I have ever had to make, and probably will ever have to make. however, I'm still doing it regardless of any anxiety that comes my way. Getting my gallbladder removed was horrible, I can't imagine how this is going to go.

Ya know I have been through a hell of a lot of shit in my short time on this earth, but for some reason I can't get the motivation to teach myself to feel better. A friend just told me to remember that I am a survivor, and she's absolutely right. I have to remember that but most importantly I have to make myself believe that. No matter what I go through I will survive. I have made it this far, I can make it to the finish line.

There's that saying about survival of the fittest....To be that survivor I have to get to the finish line. I have to prove some people wrong. I have to show them I can make it. I can succeed at all the things I want to do.

Idk......