lets just have the whole alphabet.

Things are strange right now. I'm going through something and I don't know what it is really. I have not heard from E since before he went into the hospital. Only heard from someone in his family telling me he was in the hospital and would be out the following week. Haven't heard a thing since. I want to give up as I know he will pop back up at some point. But in all honesty, I'm holding onto the hope that things happen with him. He's what I want and what I have wanted for a really long time. Just he's been like this all the time because he's afraid of telling me how he feels....ugh...I know how he feels now, I am not stupid. I get he's scared, but just say it cuz he knows its mutual. But either way I'll wait for him and one day he will come around, but until them i'm just having fun waiting.

I talk to a couple different guys and we talk about meeting and such, but I just can't bring myself to do it. I am too afraid of the rejection. Afraid of things S said all that time being true. Afraid of being judged. There is this one guy I talk to, J, he is nice and super sweet and I want to meet him and see what happens. But I'm so afraid of bothering. He's older than I am. By a bit more than it should be, but I have always dated or had relationships with older guys (aside from S) just not this old. I'm 27 and he is 44. He seems pretty normal. But when I think that it always ends up being wrong. I haven't gotten any red flags or anything like that yet. Nothin seems fishy to me like with F.

Ohh and lets talk about M. He is my fb bf. lmao. I don't know what its all about but for some reason its this weird thing i'm going through with the excitement of this guy from the Netherlands being my facebook bf. He posts cute little romantic songs to me on my profile. and he messages me all these nice things all the time. We talk for hours at times. He is so sweet and really is into me. He's great. But he lives in the Netherlands so I can't even fall for him. He would be perfect. We are like the same person. We like all the same things and we just have so much in common. I wish that I could fall for him because I think it would be amazing. But I can't. He's on other side of the world. He wants to come all the way over here to see me, but I know my mother would have a fit. Probably because she would know that if he came here to see me for a bit that I would fall for him and we would want to be together. and she would never let me move away. and I don't think I could just up and move to another country. And him moving here wouldn't work because he has a son and I don't him to not be able to see his son. Anyways. he's just fun and makes me feel good. So until I find someone he will be my fbbf

whats the point.....

Yesterday I received an email from S's 17 year old girlfriend. She wanted to know what happened with him and I. I told her. I feel sick. I am disgusted and I want to hurt myself.

I cannot believe I fell stupidly for a pedophile. That is so disgusting. She told me that he told her he wishes she were 15 and they already had kids together. Its soooo gross. I am sick to my stomach over it. I hate myself. I am angry at my sister for not pressing charges and putting him in jail.

This poor girl is his prey. I feel bad for her. He is preying on a girl 10 years younger than him. That is so disgusting. I want to vomit to the thought that I loved that disgusting excuse for a man. I want to hurt myself for being so stupid. I hate myself.

I'm over this trying to be happy and hope that it sticks. I'm over this trying to change things in my life to be happy. I give up. I am so disgusted with myself I just want to die. Die Die Die Die Die Die Die....whats the point.....

insert good title here.

He said he's going to try to come see me soon. We'll see if that actually happens. I know that I didn't txt him or anything for a couple days and he text me last night and asked if I'm okay. So we talked for a few then he had to get to bed cuz he had to work in the morning. Haven't heard from him yet tonight but I'm not going to push. i'm going to let him completely come to me. Because thats what needs to happen in this. I am not going to get my hopes up or even want it, i'm just going to go with the flow and take it as it comes to me.

Ugh...

I have to really push myself hard not to tell E how I feel. He shy's away really easy. So I need to just keep my damn mouth shut and not say anything. I have to wait for him to come to me. I've never dealt with a guy being like this before. I don't know how to take it. He likes me but he's too afraid to tell me. He can tell me that he thinks about me all the time, but he can't say "I like you" I just don't understand it. I offered the chance to get together when I go to Erie the next time, and he can't seem to even reply a yes or no. i said if its too soon just say so. How hard is it to just say something. I hate that everything is a learning experience for me. I have to learn so much constantly, can't something just come easy......

E... ♥

He has thought about me from day one. that was like 10 years ago. I have thought about him almost always. Its one of those he's a great friend but i never in million years thought he would have felt for me what i always did for him. I would often put it aside as I felt he would never want someone like me

He said he wishes he had the guts to tell me why its so hard for him to tell me how he feels about me. and wishes he could have the guts to really tell me. but he said he has to build the guts to do it and will call me and tell me. I'm super stoked!!!! I want this. but I'm scared of the same thing he is. He is afraid that once I see him in person won't feel the same, but i believe i will still feel the same. I've known him for a long time. there are no red flags ever. he's amazing. he really is. hes real.

I'm trying not to get my hopes up, but this is something I've wanted since I was like 16 or 17 ish. I'm not entirely sure when we first started talking but its been a long ass time. Its like one of those maybe a little bit of a fairy tail lame-O tv shows or movies where that thing happens just in a more modern way i reckon. anyways. i'm out.

this could be it.

I really like E. We are a lot alike, but in a good way, not a clashing way. He's so sincere and understanding and caring. He always speaks the truth and he's real. He always has been, from day one. He told me he has thought good of me and cared for me since day one.

Me= i care for you too, more than you know.
E= I think I want to say the same.
Me= then say it.
E= i want to
Me= but...
E= I'm scared.

He is scared of a lot of things just like I am. mostly of being hurt again. He told me he has chickened out telling me many times. I have chickened out telling him many times too. One day i was typing a message telling him that I like him and in the middle of typing it he text me to tell me something. it was crazy as hell. we thought of and text each other at the same time. I just really really like him. I always have, he's always been an amazing friend and someone I could really see myself with and have an actual healthy relationship with. And he doesn't have any kids with anyone else, so no baby mama drama.

♥ ♥

I like him a lot, I really do. I have for many years. E....we will just call him E. He lives a few hours away, but we've been friends since I was like 16ish. He has always been just as real as the first time we started talking. We text pretty much every day now, when he's able to text me he does. I sometimes wake up to goodmorning texts from him. And it honestly makes my day. He's a lot like me. We have a lot of the same views, but we are both scared to death of making that step. We are both afraid of getting hurt. He told me last night he wants to tell me he likes me he wants to open up and tell me how he feels but he is scared. So I just told him no pressure and to tell me when he is ready. I'm not going anywhere. We've been friends for this long, that won't change.

He was telling me about how he goes with his family every year to Maine to stay on the ocean and such for a week. They will be going again in May of 2012, and told me I could go if I wanted to. If things progress with him and I then I probably will. It would be fun.

So change of topic. I started my list of affirmations, but I also started a list of reasons why I want to lose weight. I am going to read it everyday so I can train my mind to be more motivated.

Nothing else exciting going on.