When will it sink in....

On March 13... 24 days from now I am set to have bariatric surgery. I have been working the past 10 months to get to this point, and I have absolutely no emotions what so ever about the day being so close and coming so fast. The doctor decided he wanted me to get the sleeve instead of the lap band, and I'm pretty sure that is what I am going to go with. I was doing a pros and cons list and trying to really figure out what I wanted, but even if I didn't want the sleeve there is still a chance that is what I'll have to get. The biggest thing is that with the band I will only lose maybe 50% of my weight where with the sleeve I can lose up to 70% of my weight and I'd much rather lose 70% if not more. I want more than anything to just lose as much weight as possible so I can feel better and be happier. I just hope I won't look gross and scary.

The one thing that scares me the most about this whole thing is that I have to give up everything, and addiction runs in my genes. I am scared that because I have to give up everything that can be addictive (smoking, food, caffeine, soda, sugar, and everything bad) that I will end up being so addicted to losing weight that i'll end up anorexic or something. I don't think I will, but what if I become so obsessed with losing weight that it consumes my life even more than it is supposed to.

In a week I start my liquid diet. That will last for 18 days and the day after the last day of the liquid part will be surgery and then i'll have liquid diet for another 2 weeks and then work my way up to solid foods.

I'm just so thankful to have some of the support that I have from good friends and an awesome boyfriend. I can't wait to start really losing weight and have an easier time hiking with J.

I know I am scared about surgery, but excited too. It's just that right now I am numb. Completely numb to the entire thing. I know soon it will kick in and I won't feel so numb anymore. I know I'll be alright and I will make it through all this and everything will be super amazing. I just need to get to surgery and past surgery so I can start making awesome progress.

It's all good.

It has been a while since I have written here so I figured I am due for an update. Things are going pretty well lately. Things with J are great as always. He stayed the night Thursday with the dogs and we had a pretty good time. We always have a good time together though. J has been going through withdrawal from an antidepressant because his insurance decided they would not pay for the dosage anymore, so I wasn't sure how things were going to go since he had been pretty moody before Thursday. Apparently he was either pretty much done going through the withdrawal or he was just that happy to see me. Chances are he was about done with the withdrawal. Anyways...he got the giggles pretty bad that night. We laughed a lot more than we usually do, which is typically a lot. We had some really great bonding time together. And of course the sex is always amazing. This time much more intense than usual. It was the first time I ever had an orgasm from oral sex. I have never made so much eye contact with someone during sex. He's always looking in my eyes. We had some good snuggle time too. That's our favorite. And typically I spend some time tickling his back because he really likes it, but he also did the same for me this time. Its the second time he's done it, and I know that part of the reason he does it is because he knows it turns me on. At one point we were sitting in his car smoking and the windows were all fogged up, and he started drawing a picture on the windshield, so we ended up drawing a little martian together on his windshield that kinda looked like the martian from the flinstones. lol. Being with J has been amazing and I truly could not imagine being with anyone else. He's so much fun and we really mesh well.

On another note...I am very close to getting surgery. I took the psych eval again thursday and I passed it without any problems. I only have 2 support groups to attend and I will have everything done for surgery. All the main important stuff for the insurance to agree to pay for the surgery is done, so now I just have to wait for the Dr to submit the request to the insurance. Once the insurance gives the approval I will get to make an appt with the Dr and get set up for surgery. I can't wait to get the date set and get started on all of this. I really want to get it done so I can finally move forward. I'm scared to death of getting this surgery, but at the same time i'm excited and can't wait to get it done. This is a huge change in my life, and I just want to get it done.

the big day

It's been 2 weeks since I've seen Jeff. Finally today I get to see him again. I miss him like crazy. And I know he misses me too. Due to the accident he had and having to still fight with workmen's comp to get his settlement, he is losing his house. He will be renting a room upstairs of his parents house, because they do not use their upstairs. I'm nervous about it because like his mom is cool with me staying there with him when we see eachother, but getting his dad to be okay with it is another story. His dad is old fashioned and a bit grumpy about the idea. However, I have only met his parents one time (our second date) and so he doesn't really know me. So I understand his side. However, that means that I need to get his dad to like me so he will be okay with me being around and staying there when jeff and I see eachother.

I'm so freaking excited to see him today. I really can't wait to get in his car after my appt and just kiss him and be like i missed you sooooo much and i'm sooooo happy to be here right now. But i'll play my cool like i always do. obviously he will know how happy i am to be with him, but I won't get all crazy psycho gf on him or something.

Jeff and I are still just dating. Its been almost 3 months now since the first day we talked. Things are great, they reallly are. This is the first time I've ever really dated someone and wasn't serious so fast. I like it. I like that I don't know where things will go, and I like that we are playing things cool and not rushing anything. He's so awesome and I still have all the crazy butterflies and stuff that I have had since day one. I love the feelings I get with him, and i love that there is no full on commitment yet. We aren't seeing anyone but eachother but if it were to happen we made a promise to tell eachother. We made a promise to always be friends if we don't work out. But I really think we will end up working out. I think we will be okay. I do hope we will work out and things will be totally amazing, but I don't know what will happen but I will be okay with whatever happens as long as he is still in my life. He means a lot to me

i think i love him.

This week will be my 5th date with J. I haven't a clue how to define the relationship, but in all honesty I'm not sure that I want to know. I really like how things are, and I really like hanging out with him. I'm worried that if I try to define what is that I'll just screw things up. We have a lot of fun together and being with him is amazing.

It might be TMI but the way he touches me and kisses me brings feelings i have never felt before. I get weak in the knees and butterflies like never before. my whole body just gets all tingly and its like i melt every time. Not to mention how amazing the sex is!! Sex really isn't a big deal to us and we spend more time hanging out talking and laughing than we do having sex, but when we actually do it its so completely amazing. I don't think sex would ever be the same with anyone else.

The nice thing though is that its not all about the sex. He is definitely more interested in just spending time with me which is really nice because most guys are just all about the sex. We spend more time cuddling and goofing off and just having fun.

He's so perfect for me and I'm falling for him hard.

just some thoughts.

I will probably jinx myself with this next statement. But...Things are going really amazing right now. I really am the happiest I have ever been. Nothing seems impossible anymore and I don't think about death anymore. I know its probably just temporary because I never go very long without thinking about killing myself. It is something that haunts me to no end. Right now I know its J who is keeping me from thinking the way I usually do. But that is a great thing. He is so good for me and I just can't seem to find anything wrong with him. Everytime we hang out it is an adventure and I just love it. Last night he couldn't sleep and painted me an amazing picture of my name with a rose and veins. It is absolutely beautiful and I have never dated a guy who was so sweet and did such awesome things for me. I am sure I will get the actual copy of the picture tomorrow when I go to his house, but until then I have a picture of it and that enough for me. I just love waking up to things like that from him.

I spent the night with him last week and it was amazing. The way he holds me just makes me feel like there isn't a single place I would rather be than with him. He held me so much to the point that he even had a leg around me. And he held me the whole night while we slept. No one has ever done that before. We'll be in the store or somewhere in public and he will just randomly kiss me. We'd be driving down the road and he would lean over and kiss me or put his hand on my leg. things like that and its just really nice. We would sit on his couch and I would put my arm on his leg and he would either hold my hand or my arm. I just love that he likes to cuddle and be like that just as much as I do.

I'm falling for him a lot more than I planned to. And I am really trying hard not to fall for him so fast, but its not working. He embraces life and is teaching me how to do the same. I don't value life like he does. Mainly because I never went through such a tough experience as he did when he had his accident at work and got burned on 95% of his body (80% was 3rd degree burns and he only had a 5% chance of living). So naturally he is lucky to be alive and he learned to value life a lot more than I will probably ever have the ability to do. But I'm trying to and that is more than I have ever done.

Most of the time I'd rather just be dead than have to deal with life, but with J it is so different. I am so happy and I'm perfectly okay with being alive. I just need to learn to be able to value life even if J is not in my life.

In awe...

I had my second date with J. It was wonderful. I actually had a wonderful time. He took me for dinner when we met up. Then we went to his place and took a little cat nap. His bird called me a nasty name because she did not like that I was there wit him. We cuddled a lot and talked a lot and just had fun being together. We ever played board games for the fun of it. We took a nice ride in the country and we picked apples off a tree on the side of the road to eat. I havent done that since I was a kid. We went to his favorite swimming hole that is under a bridge. I had an encounter with a snake and didn't even freak out. He took me to meet his parents and made me breakfast. We did have one encounter of "fun" and it was magical. But the thing about this (not sure what to label it as yet) is not about sex by any means. yeah we did it, but it wasn't all about that. We spent more time cuddling and just enjoying being together than anything else. Sharing stories and thoughts and just things about life. And even though it was late when we got back he still stood outside with me and talked and hugged me and kissed me and kept telling me how much he didn't want to leave and just wanted to take me back home with him. He did not get home until 3am. I felt really bad, but I know that it was so late because he didn't want me to go any more than I did. I'm starting to fall for him really bad, but I am still keeping my feet on the ground. I'm not expecting too much, or anything at all. Just honesty. I'm not being all stupid and saying stupid shit to mess this up. I want this one to happen legitly. So I am allowing him to set the pace and I'm just going with it as I feel I am ready for it.

There is definitely something between and 2 of us. I just haven't figured it out yet.

J

I guess in a way I need to sort some thoughts out. When I left R I felt confident and pretty good about myself. I was strong and I was ready for a new life. S came along and what I thought I was getting wasn't what I got. I was torn down to nothing. I was left with nothing but a black soul and a shattered heart. Its taken a lot time to pick up the pieces. Putting them back together is never easy, but right now I actually feel like i'm whole again. I think in a way F kind of helped me get myself together. He did some shitty stuff to me, but I made it through just fine. Now J comes along. J to me is like no man I have ever actually known. He's a gentleman, he even gets out of the car and comes around to open the door for me. No one does that anymore, but he does. He tells me everyday how pretty and how beautiful I am. He even went to the extent of typing U R BEAUTIFUL one letter in each text to me before I went to sleep last night. He randomly tells me things like he wants a hug or he wants to hold me or play with my hair. He helps me think positive and helps me change all the negativity around me to positive thoughts in my head. When I'm with him the rest of the world doesn't exist because I am in complete bliss. I don't know what is going to happen, and I don't know what this is. But there is something there with J. We have something, I'm just not sure what it is yet. It is different than I have ever experienced. Whatever it is that we have I really like. And no matter the outcome I will be happy as long as he is in my life. There are sparks between us and he's even said so himself. Something is there, we are just taking it day by day and letting things happen however they happen. But what is most important is that he is here for me and encouraging me to achieve my goals and to do the things I want to do. Its like he thinks I have it all figured out. He likes that I have a plan and that I have goals and he likes that I work so hard on my goals. He likes that I am taking control of my life and doing what is right for me. There is just something about him that feels so right. Something about him that makes me feel like everything is going to be okay. I hope that one day we get to figure out what it is that we have and follow through accordingly. Taking it slow as we can is the best option. And I know in some ways things are moving fast, but in others ways it is still moving slow. I guess we are just feeling out our own pace of what happens in this chapter. This is only chapter 1 of the new start I am making. I have finally learned to just write it as I go. Let things just happen as they are meant to happen. What more can I do really....

changing up the alphabet.

There is something about you that makes me wonder what it would be like... But I don't think that I'm the person for you. I'm not good enough for you. See how it goes? It's too risky. Too easy for me to fall, and crash. I'm not at that point in my life where I should be that you would be able to handle me. I'm not independent enough. I don't have everything in me that you need in a partner. I know you accept me for me on the inside and you know what I'm like on the inside, maybe even a little bit more than I thought you did. But I don't think you will be able to accept that outer layer. What I look like on the outside is what causes the problems all the time.

Could the lifestyle change be who I really am? Sometimes I wonder if maybe I that is what is wrong with me. No....not wrong with me in a bad way. But maybe that is what I am missing. Could I have been in denial all this time? I don't know. Since the end of S, I started to question myself. So far R, S, S, F, E, etc all a bust.... E and S always pop back up because S did recently telling me he leaving his girl and blah blah blah. But he will never want to be with me, he can't commit to anyone ever. It never lasts. So no matter what he will only ever be my friend. E will pop back up at some point and keep confusing me as he has since I was a teenager.

J will probably never actually be with me until I'm thin enough. We have a connection and I think we both know and feel it. But as much as he tells me he wants me to be happy and feel good about myself I know that he wants me to be thinner before he would make any commitment. I have to fight for him. By losing weight.

Why can't anyone ever love me for me? Sure he gives me the motivation to do this and I've been exercising and being more active than I was before him and I met. But I'm scared that if I don't do this he will walk away. I'm already fearing that he will leave me. He keeps me positive most of the time and I'm happy, I smile more than ever. But I'm going to end up wanting more than he does before he does. I already do. This is hard, I'm falling for him but I'm not sure its the right move.

ugh.....I think I am permanently confused.

it was like.....

....nothing i have ever experienced in my life. Watching him standing there looking back at me with a smile while he's jamming on the guitar. the hottest thing I have ever seen. Someone gazing in my eyes looking at me and zoning out admiring my beauty. He did. He would just go into a daze and then say you know you really are so pretty. I did not open a single door. He opened the door for me, even the car door. We could have deep conversation, sometimes about the dumbest things but I was just glued to hearing every word. We have so much in common and have a lot of views on so many things. He cares to hear what I have to say. He is funny and has a great sense of humor. We laughed a lot. He the most adorable dogs and the funniest bird. She jams out to music all day and dances. She says so much stuff but I can't understand her that well because she talks to fast for me. His puppy Gizmo is the cutest ever. she kept climbing up on my shoulders and playin with me and snuggling with me. she was awesome. I behaved myself, but I did go to his house and we watched movies and cuddled. He kept running his fingers through my hair and touching my face and I must say no man has ever touched me like he did. And it was a non sexual way.

I really am so happy right now that I met J and I think it may end up more than friends. I don't know, but whatever it is or will be I'm happy with it. I am just in awe right now. Not sure I can even sleep though i'm exhausted and ready for bed.

what to do

I've been talking to J a lot lately. We are talking about meeting on Tuesday. I'm trying not to over think it. He's said some things that I am unsure of. He said "you are so freakin pretty I could tell you I love you but I better not" I said to wait until he knows me and meets me first. He deleted his profile on the dating site.

I don't know what to think anymore. At this point every time I go to say something to him about meeting I decide not to say anything at all. I think he is too into me and I'm worried he may be a bit of a weirdo or something. I don't know, I'm going to think more about it. Its only going on 11pm and i guess i'm going to bed because I am so freaking bored. I can't take it. I don't know what to do with myself.

lost

There is something about J that I really like so far. He knows what I look like (full body) and he just told me today "you are so freaking pretty I want to tell you I love you but I better not" I told him that it was much too soon and would mean more if he said it not through text. He knows what my goals are as far as getting surgery and he told me that he wants to be there for me and help me succeed in my goal. He wants to help me reach my goals. I have never known a guy who wanted to be so supportive in what I want in life. It means a lot.

He is super sweet and says all the right things. Which doesn't really mean anything because many guys do and turn into assholes later on. He just actually seems real to me. I haven't come across any red flags yet which is good. But who knows. We are talking about meeting and I really want to. I want to meet and see how things go. Take things slow and not screw up like I did last time. He's a bit older than what I'm used to, but who knows it could be what I need. Someone who may actually be a mature guy. That would be nice. I'm sure i'm just dreaming though.

On another note....I had a dream I was going on a date with L. That was weird, but could be because I talked to him a few times. His niece passed away after fighting for her life for 9 days. He told me about it and we talked for a little bit, but that was it. Its not like there is anything going on there but I think feelings are still there. It's hard talking to him and not having the feelings.


I'm just so lost these days. I want too much that I can't have. So maybe checking out what I can have and see how it goes. J is cute and funny and sweet and I do like him. I don't know that I feel more than like for him, but I'm willing to find out.

lets just have the whole alphabet.

Things are strange right now. I'm going through something and I don't know what it is really. I have not heard from E since before he went into the hospital. Only heard from someone in his family telling me he was in the hospital and would be out the following week. Haven't heard a thing since. I want to give up as I know he will pop back up at some point. But in all honesty, I'm holding onto the hope that things happen with him. He's what I want and what I have wanted for a really long time. Just he's been like this all the time because he's afraid of telling me how he feels....ugh...I know how he feels now, I am not stupid. I get he's scared, but just say it cuz he knows its mutual. But either way I'll wait for him and one day he will come around, but until them i'm just having fun waiting.

I talk to a couple different guys and we talk about meeting and such, but I just can't bring myself to do it. I am too afraid of the rejection. Afraid of things S said all that time being true. Afraid of being judged. There is this one guy I talk to, J, he is nice and super sweet and I want to meet him and see what happens. But I'm so afraid of bothering. He's older than I am. By a bit more than it should be, but I have always dated or had relationships with older guys (aside from S) just not this old. I'm 27 and he is 44. He seems pretty normal. But when I think that it always ends up being wrong. I haven't gotten any red flags or anything like that yet. Nothin seems fishy to me like with F.

Ohh and lets talk about M. He is my fb bf. lmao. I don't know what its all about but for some reason its this weird thing i'm going through with the excitement of this guy from the Netherlands being my facebook bf. He posts cute little romantic songs to me on my profile. and he messages me all these nice things all the time. We talk for hours at times. He is so sweet and really is into me. He's great. But he lives in the Netherlands so I can't even fall for him. He would be perfect. We are like the same person. We like all the same things and we just have so much in common. I wish that I could fall for him because I think it would be amazing. But I can't. He's on other side of the world. He wants to come all the way over here to see me, but I know my mother would have a fit. Probably because she would know that if he came here to see me for a bit that I would fall for him and we would want to be together. and she would never let me move away. and I don't think I could just up and move to another country. And him moving here wouldn't work because he has a son and I don't him to not be able to see his son. Anyways. he's just fun and makes me feel good. So until I find someone he will be my fbbf

whats the point.....

Yesterday I received an email from S's 17 year old girlfriend. She wanted to know what happened with him and I. I told her. I feel sick. I am disgusted and I want to hurt myself.

I cannot believe I fell stupidly for a pedophile. That is so disgusting. She told me that he told her he wishes she were 15 and they already had kids together. Its soooo gross. I am sick to my stomach over it. I hate myself. I am angry at my sister for not pressing charges and putting him in jail.

This poor girl is his prey. I feel bad for her. He is preying on a girl 10 years younger than him. That is so disgusting. I want to vomit to the thought that I loved that disgusting excuse for a man. I want to hurt myself for being so stupid. I hate myself.

I'm over this trying to be happy and hope that it sticks. I'm over this trying to change things in my life to be happy. I give up. I am so disgusted with myself I just want to die. Die Die Die Die Die Die Die....whats the point.....

insert good title here.

He said he's going to try to come see me soon. We'll see if that actually happens. I know that I didn't txt him or anything for a couple days and he text me last night and asked if I'm okay. So we talked for a few then he had to get to bed cuz he had to work in the morning. Haven't heard from him yet tonight but I'm not going to push. i'm going to let him completely come to me. Because thats what needs to happen in this. I am not going to get my hopes up or even want it, i'm just going to go with the flow and take it as it comes to me.

Ugh...

I have to really push myself hard not to tell E how I feel. He shy's away really easy. So I need to just keep my damn mouth shut and not say anything. I have to wait for him to come to me. I've never dealt with a guy being like this before. I don't know how to take it. He likes me but he's too afraid to tell me. He can tell me that he thinks about me all the time, but he can't say "I like you" I just don't understand it. I offered the chance to get together when I go to Erie the next time, and he can't seem to even reply a yes or no. i said if its too soon just say so. How hard is it to just say something. I hate that everything is a learning experience for me. I have to learn so much constantly, can't something just come easy......

E... ♥

He has thought about me from day one. that was like 10 years ago. I have thought about him almost always. Its one of those he's a great friend but i never in million years thought he would have felt for me what i always did for him. I would often put it aside as I felt he would never want someone like me

He said he wishes he had the guts to tell me why its so hard for him to tell me how he feels about me. and wishes he could have the guts to really tell me. but he said he has to build the guts to do it and will call me and tell me. I'm super stoked!!!! I want this. but I'm scared of the same thing he is. He is afraid that once I see him in person won't feel the same, but i believe i will still feel the same. I've known him for a long time. there are no red flags ever. he's amazing. he really is. hes real.

I'm trying not to get my hopes up, but this is something I've wanted since I was like 16 or 17 ish. I'm not entirely sure when we first started talking but its been a long ass time. Its like one of those maybe a little bit of a fairy tail lame-O tv shows or movies where that thing happens just in a more modern way i reckon. anyways. i'm out.

this could be it.

I really like E. We are a lot alike, but in a good way, not a clashing way. He's so sincere and understanding and caring. He always speaks the truth and he's real. He always has been, from day one. He told me he has thought good of me and cared for me since day one.

Me= i care for you too, more than you know.
E= I think I want to say the same.
Me= then say it.
E= i want to
Me= but...
E= I'm scared.

He is scared of a lot of things just like I am. mostly of being hurt again. He told me he has chickened out telling me many times. I have chickened out telling him many times too. One day i was typing a message telling him that I like him and in the middle of typing it he text me to tell me something. it was crazy as hell. we thought of and text each other at the same time. I just really really like him. I always have, he's always been an amazing friend and someone I could really see myself with and have an actual healthy relationship with. And he doesn't have any kids with anyone else, so no baby mama drama.

♥ ♥

I like him a lot, I really do. I have for many years. E....we will just call him E. He lives a few hours away, but we've been friends since I was like 16ish. He has always been just as real as the first time we started talking. We text pretty much every day now, when he's able to text me he does. I sometimes wake up to goodmorning texts from him. And it honestly makes my day. He's a lot like me. We have a lot of the same views, but we are both scared to death of making that step. We are both afraid of getting hurt. He told me last night he wants to tell me he likes me he wants to open up and tell me how he feels but he is scared. So I just told him no pressure and to tell me when he is ready. I'm not going anywhere. We've been friends for this long, that won't change.

He was telling me about how he goes with his family every year to Maine to stay on the ocean and such for a week. They will be going again in May of 2012, and told me I could go if I wanted to. If things progress with him and I then I probably will. It would be fun.

So change of topic. I started my list of affirmations, but I also started a list of reasons why I want to lose weight. I am going to read it everyday so I can train my mind to be more motivated.

Nothing else exciting going on.

confused.

Had my meds changed, well one of them. I'm doing better than I was. I'm not so ready to give up on everything anymore. But I am really sick of being alone. I wish I could just find someone decent; someone who is right for me. It's these kind of days that make me miss him the most. The days where I wish things would have been different.

It's also the thoughts that scare me. I'm afraid I'll never feel for anyone else like I did him. I'm afraid I'll never have a connection with anyone like I did him. I didn't have any connection at all with F. It was like I was using him for sex. I was hurt when I found out he had a gf, but it was kind of a relief. I didn't want to be stuck with him. I feel like I will feel that way with every guy now.

Sometimes I'm perfectly okay with just staying single for the rest of my life. Sometimes its like I wouldn't change it, but then I have these lonely days. Where I want someone there. Maybe I just need someone not serious, but someone I can just be with when I feel this way. I don't know I'm so completely confused. I can't figure myself out right now.

tie a rope around it....let it hanggg....

Things really haven't been that great here. Not exactly sure what I wrote about last but I'll start with that date....

It went great till I found out he had a gf. In turn I did what I thought was right and told her what happened. I felt she deserved the right to know what her so called bf was really doing the night before he went to see her.

I did not get to my appointment to see the surgeon for the first for this process to get this surgery. I had to reschedule it. So now I can't see him until September. I am very close to giving up on the whole idea. I don't think its meant to happen.

According to the eval I'm too depressed and talk too poorly of myself to get the surgery. In all honesty if I take the test again I'll pass because I know where I need to tweak it for the results to come out right. However, since I am a psych major I don't believe in lying on the eval. I feel that I need to be honest and do it right because that is what I would expect from patients if I were to give those tests.

The honest truth though. I really am too depressed...I already knew that. i put on a front and act like I'm okay when I'm really not. Inside I'm a complete disaster. Inside its like a shit load of tornadoes hit. I don't believe I will ever be okay. I don't believe I'll ever get better, or that i'll ever not be too depressed. I know that my depression does not define me, just like my weight does not define me. They are only a part of me, but they are not who I am. However, I don't know how to shake the depressed hopeless feeling. I don't know how to be okay. I have been so depressed for so long that I don't know how to be anything else.

I'm scared. Scared that my life will be nothing but what it is now. The hope and desire to be who I want to be, but too damn depressed to get there. No matter what I do, I cant get ahead. I take one step forward and then something or someone comes along and kicks me 10 steps back. I will forever be trying to crawl my way back to the start line. I fear I will die being the person I am now. I really think that one day I will finally give up. One day I will snap and do something stupid. It scares me to death. I am so afraid of dying because I want it so bad. I wish I had the strength to just give up.