changing up the alphabet.

There is something about you that makes me wonder what it would be like... But I don't think that I'm the person for you. I'm not good enough for you. See how it goes? It's too risky. Too easy for me to fall, and crash. I'm not at that point in my life where I should be that you would be able to handle me. I'm not independent enough. I don't have everything in me that you need in a partner. I know you accept me for me on the inside and you know what I'm like on the inside, maybe even a little bit more than I thought you did. But I don't think you will be able to accept that outer layer. What I look like on the outside is what causes the problems all the time.

Could the lifestyle change be who I really am? Sometimes I wonder if maybe I that is what is wrong with me. No....not wrong with me in a bad way. But maybe that is what I am missing. Could I have been in denial all this time? I don't know. Since the end of S, I started to question myself. So far R, S, S, F, E, etc all a bust.... E and S always pop back up because S did recently telling me he leaving his girl and blah blah blah. But he will never want to be with me, he can't commit to anyone ever. It never lasts. So no matter what he will only ever be my friend. E will pop back up at some point and keep confusing me as he has since I was a teenager.

J will probably never actually be with me until I'm thin enough. We have a connection and I think we both know and feel it. But as much as he tells me he wants me to be happy and feel good about myself I know that he wants me to be thinner before he would make any commitment. I have to fight for him. By losing weight.

Why can't anyone ever love me for me? Sure he gives me the motivation to do this and I've been exercising and being more active than I was before him and I met. But I'm scared that if I don't do this he will walk away. I'm already fearing that he will leave me. He keeps me positive most of the time and I'm happy, I smile more than ever. But I'm going to end up wanting more than he does before he does. I already do. This is hard, I'm falling for him but I'm not sure its the right move.

ugh.....I think I am permanently confused.