tie a rope around it....let it hanggg....

Things really haven't been that great here. Not exactly sure what I wrote about last but I'll start with that date....

It went great till I found out he had a gf. In turn I did what I thought was right and told her what happened. I felt she deserved the right to know what her so called bf was really doing the night before he went to see her.

I did not get to my appointment to see the surgeon for the first for this process to get this surgery. I had to reschedule it. So now I can't see him until September. I am very close to giving up on the whole idea. I don't think its meant to happen.

According to the eval I'm too depressed and talk too poorly of myself to get the surgery. In all honesty if I take the test again I'll pass because I know where I need to tweak it for the results to come out right. However, since I am a psych major I don't believe in lying on the eval. I feel that I need to be honest and do it right because that is what I would expect from patients if I were to give those tests.

The honest truth though. I really am too depressed...I already knew that. i put on a front and act like I'm okay when I'm really not. Inside I'm a complete disaster. Inside its like a shit load of tornadoes hit. I don't believe I will ever be okay. I don't believe I'll ever get better, or that i'll ever not be too depressed. I know that my depression does not define me, just like my weight does not define me. They are only a part of me, but they are not who I am. However, I don't know how to shake the depressed hopeless feeling. I don't know how to be okay. I have been so depressed for so long that I don't know how to be anything else.

I'm scared. Scared that my life will be nothing but what it is now. The hope and desire to be who I want to be, but too damn depressed to get there. No matter what I do, I cant get ahead. I take one step forward and then something or someone comes along and kicks me 10 steps back. I will forever be trying to crawl my way back to the start line. I fear I will die being the person I am now. I really think that one day I will finally give up. One day I will snap and do something stupid. It scares me to death. I am so afraid of dying because I want it so bad. I wish I had the strength to just give up.