I'm going to do the best that I can to keep my identity a secret. Only one person knows who I am and I'm hoping to keep it that way. I have to keep myself as secret as possible because my ex cannot seem to leave me alone no matter what I do. He just doesn't seem to get the point. I cannot take it anymore. I'm going crazy because I just want to heal from all the pain he caused.
I strongly believe I have post traumatic stress disorder because of everything he did to me. I just want the nightmares to stop. I want to get rid of these flash backs. I cannot even look at my tv without seeing that disgusting porno he made me watch. Certain shows I cannot watch because I know how much he thought of them sexually, and never me. I can't stand that I cannot have the relationship with my niece I had before him because of what he attempted to do with her. I know it is not her fault, but sometimes I want to blame her just as much as him. I know I cannot do that. I need to heal so I can be myself again.
This blog is where I plan to write about my process of healing over this toxic relationship that won't go away. I need somewhere I can write it all out so I can use it for therapy. I need out of this darkness more than anything.
I have never wanted to die so much in my life. I have the self control to keep myself from doing anything stupid, but I really want to just end it all so I don't have to deal with the harassment anymore. I feel like the only way he will leave me alone is if I'm dead. This is not fair to me.
I was told to use a rubberband to snap on my wrist to do a form of relaxation. I cannot do this because I know that it will only be a matter of time before that rubberband snap won't be enough and I will end up cutting again. I often wonder if it will help me through this vicious cycle of dealing with this asshole. I'm getting physically sick over this. I just do not know what to do with myself anymore. I don't know how to deal with this anymore.
I have to get this off my mind someway somehow.
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