confused.

Had my meds changed, well one of them. I'm doing better than I was. I'm not so ready to give up on everything anymore. But I am really sick of being alone. I wish I could just find someone decent; someone who is right for me. It's these kind of days that make me miss him the most. The days where I wish things would have been different.

It's also the thoughts that scare me. I'm afraid I'll never feel for anyone else like I did him. I'm afraid I'll never have a connection with anyone like I did him. I didn't have any connection at all with F. It was like I was using him for sex. I was hurt when I found out he had a gf, but it was kind of a relief. I didn't want to be stuck with him. I feel like I will feel that way with every guy now.

Sometimes I'm perfectly okay with just staying single for the rest of my life. Sometimes its like I wouldn't change it, but then I have these lonely days. Where I want someone there. Maybe I just need someone not serious, but someone I can just be with when I feel this way. I don't know I'm so completely confused. I can't figure myself out right now.

tie a rope around it....let it hanggg....

Things really haven't been that great here. Not exactly sure what I wrote about last but I'll start with that date....

It went great till I found out he had a gf. In turn I did what I thought was right and told her what happened. I felt she deserved the right to know what her so called bf was really doing the night before he went to see her.

I did not get to my appointment to see the surgeon for the first for this process to get this surgery. I had to reschedule it. So now I can't see him until September. I am very close to giving up on the whole idea. I don't think its meant to happen.

According to the eval I'm too depressed and talk too poorly of myself to get the surgery. In all honesty if I take the test again I'll pass because I know where I need to tweak it for the results to come out right. However, since I am a psych major I don't believe in lying on the eval. I feel that I need to be honest and do it right because that is what I would expect from patients if I were to give those tests.

The honest truth though. I really am too depressed...I already knew that. i put on a front and act like I'm okay when I'm really not. Inside I'm a complete disaster. Inside its like a shit load of tornadoes hit. I don't believe I will ever be okay. I don't believe I'll ever get better, or that i'll ever not be too depressed. I know that my depression does not define me, just like my weight does not define me. They are only a part of me, but they are not who I am. However, I don't know how to shake the depressed hopeless feeling. I don't know how to be okay. I have been so depressed for so long that I don't know how to be anything else.

I'm scared. Scared that my life will be nothing but what it is now. The hope and desire to be who I want to be, but too damn depressed to get there. No matter what I do, I cant get ahead. I take one step forward and then something or someone comes along and kicks me 10 steps back. I will forever be trying to crawl my way back to the start line. I fear I will die being the person I am now. I really think that one day I will finally give up. One day I will snap and do something stupid. It scares me to death. I am so afraid of dying because I want it so bad. I wish I had the strength to just give up.

made up my mind.

Okay so Ive got another date with F on Friday. I'm really excited about it, but nervous at the same time.

free

Okay so I have been thinking about that date. And part of me kinda wants to try the date over again. It didn't exactly go the best, but I feel kind of like the ex got too much into my head and impaired my judgement.

the best part of the whole date was when he was walking down to the porch and I opened the door and when he saw me he dropped his phone. I'm not really sure why but for whatever reason it makes me smile when I think about it. But idk.

I figured out how to filter my email so that the ex can't bother me. it doesn't just go to my trashcan anymore. it now sends him a msg saying that the address no longer exists. So he shouldn't be able to contact me anymore.

So in time I'll be able to get him out of my head and be able to move one with whomever it may be. I don't know what the future holds anymore, but at least I can find out with a clearer head. He just gets inside my head so bad that I can't function anymore. And now I am free.

the date.....

Well.....I went on the date and it was alright. I did some things i'm not proud of, but did some things i am proud of. I actually followed through with the date and I am glad I did so I didn't fall for someone who isn't worth my time. He lies, he's annoying, and he was way too pushy to do things I wasn't ready for. Some of which I did not do, but one of which I did and shouldn't have. I kinda regret the whole thing. I told him I'm not ready for a relationship and I haven't heard from him since. But that is okay with me. I wish he hadn't been so pushy or I may have liked him. If I could have gotten past the annoying things about him.

I'm extra irritable lately. I snap at everyone and I'm just frustrated and annoyed about everything. not really sure why, but its just how I've been.

Started a new class today....biological foundations in psychology. Something like that. The book for it is an updated edition of the book that was used for my biopsychology class. I'm not really sure why they are using the same material for these classes but it's kind of irritating.

The ex has still been harassing me. But i don't really feel like talking about that. Maybe later tonight or something, but right now I don't really want to talk about him. I'm sick of him being inside my head so bad.

I have to do this, I just have to.

Okay, so I didn't go on that date because it just didn't feel right. I'm not ready to go on a date with someone I've only really talked to for a few days. But he understands and is willing to wait until I'm ready, and I couldn't ask for more. He is very understanding and I really like that about him. Granted I'm not sure that I feel any kind of connection with him yet, but maybe I will once we spend time together, I don't know.

I want to go on a date with him and give it a shot. But a huge part of me wants to do it out of spite. Just to hurt the ex. take pics and post them on facebook just like he did. Show him I'm not his property to walk all over anymore. Show him I can do the same as him. Show him I can move on too.

Now again I'm all pumped to do this, but then when it comes time to do it I chicken out. I'm going to get the tests done for the surgery tomorrow and then if it doesn't take too long and I can keep from talking myself out of it, we will probably go for dinner. I feel so weird doing this. I've never really been out on a real date. It's awkward, and I don't know what to wear or how to go about doing all of this.

I can do this, I just have to have enough faith in myself to get to the point of following through.

Date...

Well. I have a date on Tuesday. I decided to accept the offer from this guy and see what happens. I have to get over S and move on. So....here I go. We are going to go bowling, which is weird to me cuz its not really my thing and i suck at it. But he said he does too so we can suck at it together. Tuesday is such short notice though. I haven't really done the whole date thing. So I don't know how to prepare. I don't know what I'll wear, or even how i'll do my hair. I need a hair cut but its too late to even try now.

I scared out of my mind, but I really think I need to do this. I think it will be good for me to get out with someone new. And even if it doesn't work out, atleast I won't sit and wonder what if. I'm not sure that I feel any connection with him, but I won't know for sure until we are actually spending time together and getting to know each other. There is part of me that wants to just randomly make up an excuse not to go and just disappear due to fear, but I know that won't get me anywhere. Going on this date will me a good thing. A growing experience for me. To see that there is more out there than the asshole that i can't get out of my head.