changing up the alphabet.

There is something about you that makes me wonder what it would be like... But I don't think that I'm the person for you. I'm not good enough for you. See how it goes? It's too risky. Too easy for me to fall, and crash. I'm not at that point in my life where I should be that you would be able to handle me. I'm not independent enough. I don't have everything in me that you need in a partner. I know you accept me for me on the inside and you know what I'm like on the inside, maybe even a little bit more than I thought you did. But I don't think you will be able to accept that outer layer. What I look like on the outside is what causes the problems all the time.

Could the lifestyle change be who I really am? Sometimes I wonder if maybe I that is what is wrong with me. No....not wrong with me in a bad way. But maybe that is what I am missing. Could I have been in denial all this time? I don't know. Since the end of S, I started to question myself. So far R, S, S, F, E, etc all a bust.... E and S always pop back up because S did recently telling me he leaving his girl and blah blah blah. But he will never want to be with me, he can't commit to anyone ever. It never lasts. So no matter what he will only ever be my friend. E will pop back up at some point and keep confusing me as he has since I was a teenager.

J will probably never actually be with me until I'm thin enough. We have a connection and I think we both know and feel it. But as much as he tells me he wants me to be happy and feel good about myself I know that he wants me to be thinner before he would make any commitment. I have to fight for him. By losing weight.

Why can't anyone ever love me for me? Sure he gives me the motivation to do this and I've been exercising and being more active than I was before him and I met. But I'm scared that if I don't do this he will walk away. I'm already fearing that he will leave me. He keeps me positive most of the time and I'm happy, I smile more than ever. But I'm going to end up wanting more than he does before he does. I already do. This is hard, I'm falling for him but I'm not sure its the right move.

ugh.....I think I am permanently confused.

it was like.....

....nothing i have ever experienced in my life. Watching him standing there looking back at me with a smile while he's jamming on the guitar. the hottest thing I have ever seen. Someone gazing in my eyes looking at me and zoning out admiring my beauty. He did. He would just go into a daze and then say you know you really are so pretty. I did not open a single door. He opened the door for me, even the car door. We could have deep conversation, sometimes about the dumbest things but I was just glued to hearing every word. We have so much in common and have a lot of views on so many things. He cares to hear what I have to say. He is funny and has a great sense of humor. We laughed a lot. He the most adorable dogs and the funniest bird. She jams out to music all day and dances. She says so much stuff but I can't understand her that well because she talks to fast for me. His puppy Gizmo is the cutest ever. she kept climbing up on my shoulders and playin with me and snuggling with me. she was awesome. I behaved myself, but I did go to his house and we watched movies and cuddled. He kept running his fingers through my hair and touching my face and I must say no man has ever touched me like he did. And it was a non sexual way.

I really am so happy right now that I met J and I think it may end up more than friends. I don't know, but whatever it is or will be I'm happy with it. I am just in awe right now. Not sure I can even sleep though i'm exhausted and ready for bed.

what to do

I've been talking to J a lot lately. We are talking about meeting on Tuesday. I'm trying not to over think it. He's said some things that I am unsure of. He said "you are so freakin pretty I could tell you I love you but I better not" I said to wait until he knows me and meets me first. He deleted his profile on the dating site.

I don't know what to think anymore. At this point every time I go to say something to him about meeting I decide not to say anything at all. I think he is too into me and I'm worried he may be a bit of a weirdo or something. I don't know, I'm going to think more about it. Its only going on 11pm and i guess i'm going to bed because I am so freaking bored. I can't take it. I don't know what to do with myself.

lost

There is something about J that I really like so far. He knows what I look like (full body) and he just told me today "you are so freaking pretty I want to tell you I love you but I better not" I told him that it was much too soon and would mean more if he said it not through text. He knows what my goals are as far as getting surgery and he told me that he wants to be there for me and help me succeed in my goal. He wants to help me reach my goals. I have never known a guy who wanted to be so supportive in what I want in life. It means a lot.

He is super sweet and says all the right things. Which doesn't really mean anything because many guys do and turn into assholes later on. He just actually seems real to me. I haven't come across any red flags yet which is good. But who knows. We are talking about meeting and I really want to. I want to meet and see how things go. Take things slow and not screw up like I did last time. He's a bit older than what I'm used to, but who knows it could be what I need. Someone who may actually be a mature guy. That would be nice. I'm sure i'm just dreaming though.

On another note....I had a dream I was going on a date with L. That was weird, but could be because I talked to him a few times. His niece passed away after fighting for her life for 9 days. He told me about it and we talked for a little bit, but that was it. Its not like there is anything going on there but I think feelings are still there. It's hard talking to him and not having the feelings.


I'm just so lost these days. I want too much that I can't have. So maybe checking out what I can have and see how it goes. J is cute and funny and sweet and I do like him. I don't know that I feel more than like for him, but I'm willing to find out.

lets just have the whole alphabet.

Things are strange right now. I'm going through something and I don't know what it is really. I have not heard from E since before he went into the hospital. Only heard from someone in his family telling me he was in the hospital and would be out the following week. Haven't heard a thing since. I want to give up as I know he will pop back up at some point. But in all honesty, I'm holding onto the hope that things happen with him. He's what I want and what I have wanted for a really long time. Just he's been like this all the time because he's afraid of telling me how he feels....ugh...I know how he feels now, I am not stupid. I get he's scared, but just say it cuz he knows its mutual. But either way I'll wait for him and one day he will come around, but until them i'm just having fun waiting.

I talk to a couple different guys and we talk about meeting and such, but I just can't bring myself to do it. I am too afraid of the rejection. Afraid of things S said all that time being true. Afraid of being judged. There is this one guy I talk to, J, he is nice and super sweet and I want to meet him and see what happens. But I'm so afraid of bothering. He's older than I am. By a bit more than it should be, but I have always dated or had relationships with older guys (aside from S) just not this old. I'm 27 and he is 44. He seems pretty normal. But when I think that it always ends up being wrong. I haven't gotten any red flags or anything like that yet. Nothin seems fishy to me like with F.

Ohh and lets talk about M. He is my fb bf. lmao. I don't know what its all about but for some reason its this weird thing i'm going through with the excitement of this guy from the Netherlands being my facebook bf. He posts cute little romantic songs to me on my profile. and he messages me all these nice things all the time. We talk for hours at times. He is so sweet and really is into me. He's great. But he lives in the Netherlands so I can't even fall for him. He would be perfect. We are like the same person. We like all the same things and we just have so much in common. I wish that I could fall for him because I think it would be amazing. But I can't. He's on other side of the world. He wants to come all the way over here to see me, but I know my mother would have a fit. Probably because she would know that if he came here to see me for a bit that I would fall for him and we would want to be together. and she would never let me move away. and I don't think I could just up and move to another country. And him moving here wouldn't work because he has a son and I don't him to not be able to see his son. Anyways. he's just fun and makes me feel good. So until I find someone he will be my fbbf

whats the point.....

Yesterday I received an email from S's 17 year old girlfriend. She wanted to know what happened with him and I. I told her. I feel sick. I am disgusted and I want to hurt myself.

I cannot believe I fell stupidly for a pedophile. That is so disgusting. She told me that he told her he wishes she were 15 and they already had kids together. Its soooo gross. I am sick to my stomach over it. I hate myself. I am angry at my sister for not pressing charges and putting him in jail.

This poor girl is his prey. I feel bad for her. He is preying on a girl 10 years younger than him. That is so disgusting. I want to vomit to the thought that I loved that disgusting excuse for a man. I want to hurt myself for being so stupid. I hate myself.

I'm over this trying to be happy and hope that it sticks. I'm over this trying to change things in my life to be happy. I give up. I am so disgusted with myself I just want to die. Die Die Die Die Die Die Die....whats the point.....

insert good title here.

He said he's going to try to come see me soon. We'll see if that actually happens. I know that I didn't txt him or anything for a couple days and he text me last night and asked if I'm okay. So we talked for a few then he had to get to bed cuz he had to work in the morning. Haven't heard from him yet tonight but I'm not going to push. i'm going to let him completely come to me. Because thats what needs to happen in this. I am not going to get my hopes up or even want it, i'm just going to go with the flow and take it as it comes to me.