When will it sink in....

On March 13... 24 days from now I am set to have bariatric surgery. I have been working the past 10 months to get to this point, and I have absolutely no emotions what so ever about the day being so close and coming so fast. The doctor decided he wanted me to get the sleeve instead of the lap band, and I'm pretty sure that is what I am going to go with. I was doing a pros and cons list and trying to really figure out what I wanted, but even if I didn't want the sleeve there is still a chance that is what I'll have to get. The biggest thing is that with the band I will only lose maybe 50% of my weight where with the sleeve I can lose up to 70% of my weight and I'd much rather lose 70% if not more. I want more than anything to just lose as much weight as possible so I can feel better and be happier. I just hope I won't look gross and scary.

The one thing that scares me the most about this whole thing is that I have to give up everything, and addiction runs in my genes. I am scared that because I have to give up everything that can be addictive (smoking, food, caffeine, soda, sugar, and everything bad) that I will end up being so addicted to losing weight that i'll end up anorexic or something. I don't think I will, but what if I become so obsessed with losing weight that it consumes my life even more than it is supposed to.

In a week I start my liquid diet. That will last for 18 days and the day after the last day of the liquid part will be surgery and then i'll have liquid diet for another 2 weeks and then work my way up to solid foods.

I'm just so thankful to have some of the support that I have from good friends and an awesome boyfriend. I can't wait to start really losing weight and have an easier time hiking with J.

I know I am scared about surgery, but excited too. It's just that right now I am numb. Completely numb to the entire thing. I know soon it will kick in and I won't feel so numb anymore. I know I'll be alright and I will make it through all this and everything will be super amazing. I just need to get to surgery and past surgery so I can start making awesome progress.

It's all good.

It has been a while since I have written here so I figured I am due for an update. Things are going pretty well lately. Things with J are great as always. He stayed the night Thursday with the dogs and we had a pretty good time. We always have a good time together though. J has been going through withdrawal from an antidepressant because his insurance decided they would not pay for the dosage anymore, so I wasn't sure how things were going to go since he had been pretty moody before Thursday. Apparently he was either pretty much done going through the withdrawal or he was just that happy to see me. Chances are he was about done with the withdrawal. Anyways...he got the giggles pretty bad that night. We laughed a lot more than we usually do, which is typically a lot. We had some really great bonding time together. And of course the sex is always amazing. This time much more intense than usual. It was the first time I ever had an orgasm from oral sex. I have never made so much eye contact with someone during sex. He's always looking in my eyes. We had some good snuggle time too. That's our favorite. And typically I spend some time tickling his back because he really likes it, but he also did the same for me this time. Its the second time he's done it, and I know that part of the reason he does it is because he knows it turns me on. At one point we were sitting in his car smoking and the windows were all fogged up, and he started drawing a picture on the windshield, so we ended up drawing a little martian together on his windshield that kinda looked like the martian from the flinstones. lol. Being with J has been amazing and I truly could not imagine being with anyone else. He's so much fun and we really mesh well.

On another note...I am very close to getting surgery. I took the psych eval again thursday and I passed it without any problems. I only have 2 support groups to attend and I will have everything done for surgery. All the main important stuff for the insurance to agree to pay for the surgery is done, so now I just have to wait for the Dr to submit the request to the insurance. Once the insurance gives the approval I will get to make an appt with the Dr and get set up for surgery. I can't wait to get the date set and get started on all of this. I really want to get it done so I can finally move forward. I'm scared to death of getting this surgery, but at the same time i'm excited and can't wait to get it done. This is a huge change in my life, and I just want to get it done.

the big day

It's been 2 weeks since I've seen Jeff. Finally today I get to see him again. I miss him like crazy. And I know he misses me too. Due to the accident he had and having to still fight with workmen's comp to get his settlement, he is losing his house. He will be renting a room upstairs of his parents house, because they do not use their upstairs. I'm nervous about it because like his mom is cool with me staying there with him when we see eachother, but getting his dad to be okay with it is another story. His dad is old fashioned and a bit grumpy about the idea. However, I have only met his parents one time (our second date) and so he doesn't really know me. So I understand his side. However, that means that I need to get his dad to like me so he will be okay with me being around and staying there when jeff and I see eachother.

I'm so freaking excited to see him today. I really can't wait to get in his car after my appt and just kiss him and be like i missed you sooooo much and i'm sooooo happy to be here right now. But i'll play my cool like i always do. obviously he will know how happy i am to be with him, but I won't get all crazy psycho gf on him or something.

Jeff and I are still just dating. Its been almost 3 months now since the first day we talked. Things are great, they reallly are. This is the first time I've ever really dated someone and wasn't serious so fast. I like it. I like that I don't know where things will go, and I like that we are playing things cool and not rushing anything. He's so awesome and I still have all the crazy butterflies and stuff that I have had since day one. I love the feelings I get with him, and i love that there is no full on commitment yet. We aren't seeing anyone but eachother but if it were to happen we made a promise to tell eachother. We made a promise to always be friends if we don't work out. But I really think we will end up working out. I think we will be okay. I do hope we will work out and things will be totally amazing, but I don't know what will happen but I will be okay with whatever happens as long as he is still in my life. He means a lot to me

i think i love him.

This week will be my 5th date with J. I haven't a clue how to define the relationship, but in all honesty I'm not sure that I want to know. I really like how things are, and I really like hanging out with him. I'm worried that if I try to define what is that I'll just screw things up. We have a lot of fun together and being with him is amazing.

It might be TMI but the way he touches me and kisses me brings feelings i have never felt before. I get weak in the knees and butterflies like never before. my whole body just gets all tingly and its like i melt every time. Not to mention how amazing the sex is!! Sex really isn't a big deal to us and we spend more time hanging out talking and laughing than we do having sex, but when we actually do it its so completely amazing. I don't think sex would ever be the same with anyone else.

The nice thing though is that its not all about the sex. He is definitely more interested in just spending time with me which is really nice because most guys are just all about the sex. We spend more time cuddling and goofing off and just having fun.

He's so perfect for me and I'm falling for him hard.

just some thoughts.

I will probably jinx myself with this next statement. But...Things are going really amazing right now. I really am the happiest I have ever been. Nothing seems impossible anymore and I don't think about death anymore. I know its probably just temporary because I never go very long without thinking about killing myself. It is something that haunts me to no end. Right now I know its J who is keeping me from thinking the way I usually do. But that is a great thing. He is so good for me and I just can't seem to find anything wrong with him. Everytime we hang out it is an adventure and I just love it. Last night he couldn't sleep and painted me an amazing picture of my name with a rose and veins. It is absolutely beautiful and I have never dated a guy who was so sweet and did such awesome things for me. I am sure I will get the actual copy of the picture tomorrow when I go to his house, but until then I have a picture of it and that enough for me. I just love waking up to things like that from him.

I spent the night with him last week and it was amazing. The way he holds me just makes me feel like there isn't a single place I would rather be than with him. He held me so much to the point that he even had a leg around me. And he held me the whole night while we slept. No one has ever done that before. We'll be in the store or somewhere in public and he will just randomly kiss me. We'd be driving down the road and he would lean over and kiss me or put his hand on my leg. things like that and its just really nice. We would sit on his couch and I would put my arm on his leg and he would either hold my hand or my arm. I just love that he likes to cuddle and be like that just as much as I do.

I'm falling for him a lot more than I planned to. And I am really trying hard not to fall for him so fast, but its not working. He embraces life and is teaching me how to do the same. I don't value life like he does. Mainly because I never went through such a tough experience as he did when he had his accident at work and got burned on 95% of his body (80% was 3rd degree burns and he only had a 5% chance of living). So naturally he is lucky to be alive and he learned to value life a lot more than I will probably ever have the ability to do. But I'm trying to and that is more than I have ever done.

Most of the time I'd rather just be dead than have to deal with life, but with J it is so different. I am so happy and I'm perfectly okay with being alive. I just need to learn to be able to value life even if J is not in my life.

In awe...

I had my second date with J. It was wonderful. I actually had a wonderful time. He took me for dinner when we met up. Then we went to his place and took a little cat nap. His bird called me a nasty name because she did not like that I was there wit him. We cuddled a lot and talked a lot and just had fun being together. We ever played board games for the fun of it. We took a nice ride in the country and we picked apples off a tree on the side of the road to eat. I havent done that since I was a kid. We went to his favorite swimming hole that is under a bridge. I had an encounter with a snake and didn't even freak out. He took me to meet his parents and made me breakfast. We did have one encounter of "fun" and it was magical. But the thing about this (not sure what to label it as yet) is not about sex by any means. yeah we did it, but it wasn't all about that. We spent more time cuddling and just enjoying being together than anything else. Sharing stories and thoughts and just things about life. And even though it was late when we got back he still stood outside with me and talked and hugged me and kissed me and kept telling me how much he didn't want to leave and just wanted to take me back home with him. He did not get home until 3am. I felt really bad, but I know that it was so late because he didn't want me to go any more than I did. I'm starting to fall for him really bad, but I am still keeping my feet on the ground. I'm not expecting too much, or anything at all. Just honesty. I'm not being all stupid and saying stupid shit to mess this up. I want this one to happen legitly. So I am allowing him to set the pace and I'm just going with it as I feel I am ready for it.

There is definitely something between and 2 of us. I just haven't figured it out yet.

J

I guess in a way I need to sort some thoughts out. When I left R I felt confident and pretty good about myself. I was strong and I was ready for a new life. S came along and what I thought I was getting wasn't what I got. I was torn down to nothing. I was left with nothing but a black soul and a shattered heart. Its taken a lot time to pick up the pieces. Putting them back together is never easy, but right now I actually feel like i'm whole again. I think in a way F kind of helped me get myself together. He did some shitty stuff to me, but I made it through just fine. Now J comes along. J to me is like no man I have ever actually known. He's a gentleman, he even gets out of the car and comes around to open the door for me. No one does that anymore, but he does. He tells me everyday how pretty and how beautiful I am. He even went to the extent of typing U R BEAUTIFUL one letter in each text to me before I went to sleep last night. He randomly tells me things like he wants a hug or he wants to hold me or play with my hair. He helps me think positive and helps me change all the negativity around me to positive thoughts in my head. When I'm with him the rest of the world doesn't exist because I am in complete bliss. I don't know what is going to happen, and I don't know what this is. But there is something there with J. We have something, I'm just not sure what it is yet. It is different than I have ever experienced. Whatever it is that we have I really like. And no matter the outcome I will be happy as long as he is in my life. There are sparks between us and he's even said so himself. Something is there, we are just taking it day by day and letting things happen however they happen. But what is most important is that he is here for me and encouraging me to achieve my goals and to do the things I want to do. Its like he thinks I have it all figured out. He likes that I have a plan and that I have goals and he likes that I work so hard on my goals. He likes that I am taking control of my life and doing what is right for me. There is just something about him that feels so right. Something about him that makes me feel like everything is going to be okay. I hope that one day we get to figure out what it is that we have and follow through accordingly. Taking it slow as we can is the best option. And I know in some ways things are moving fast, but in others ways it is still moving slow. I guess we are just feeling out our own pace of what happens in this chapter. This is only chapter 1 of the new start I am making. I have finally learned to just write it as I go. Let things just happen as they are meant to happen. What more can I do really....